Great Losses by One Point

I am a big sports fan.  I love UNC.  I grew up watching sports (the Braves, Giants, and Syracuse were always on the TV or radio while I was growing up).  I always wondered how it must feel to be the one who misses the game-winning free throw or drops the winning hail Mary pass in the endzone at the last second of the game.

Somebody has to win and somebody has to lose.

Here are some memorable one point/last inning/last second losses:

1957: UNC beats Kansas by 1 point in 3 overtimes to win the NCAA championship.

1993:  Toronto Blue Jays beat the Philadelphia Phillies on a 3 run homer in the bottom of the ninth to win the World Series in Game 6

1997: Florida Marlins beats the Cleveland Indians by one run in the 11th inning to win the World Series in the 7th game

2005:  UNC loses to Dook 71-70 (but later beat Dook 75-73 and then went on to win the NCAA Championship.)

2008:  New York Giants beat undefeated New England Patriots on a pass with 35 seconds left on the clock to win the Super Bowl  (This game was particularly fun to watch in the heart of Patriot country---I kept my mouth shut as a Giants fan.)

Surely there are more (feel free to share your favorites)...

I am not the only one to lose by one point.  Next time, I'll do a better job of scouting my opponent and hope that my half-court shots are nothing-but-net and that I catch those hail-mary passes and that my 9th inning home run comes with bases loaded.

Better yet:  It will be a blow out.  Sorta like UNC's game last year against N.C. State.  That would be nice.

Under 21

I feel like I'm 20 again---everyone else is going out to party while I sit home and wait for the day that I am legal, too.  The good thing about that is that I eventually turned 21 and was able to join my friends as they pounded cheap Jell-O shots and sipped from Blue Cups at He's Not. Once I was there with them, I realized I had not really missed much at all.  I bet joining the bar in the spring will feel the same way.  Right now I'm hearing about what goes on at the bar, but soon I will be hung-over with the rest of them.  One difference, though: I can't "fake" sitting at this bar while hoping no one will ask me for my license.  Even trying to fake it at this bar will mean giving up my barstool forever.

Speaking of drinking (and trying to live up to my promise of talk about good food and drink), on Wednesday night, I joined a bunch of other Triangle-area beer nerds in welcoming Stone Brewing to NC.  I tried an 11th Anniversary (actually, 2) and an Oaked Arrogant Bastard.  The evening of libations at Tyler's was followed by dinner and dessert at The Federal.  I chose the bread pudding for dinner while my favorite dining companion enjoyed a big (yet very reasonably priced) plateful of rabbit.

At least I'm admitted to those bars.  And, in April, I'll be let in to the NC Bar.  I hope there's some good beer waiting for me.

One Point

That's all I failed it by.  One point.

I don't know what else to say about that right now, so I'm going to go to the gym, have a drink with a newly sworn in friend.  Just one more point on an essay.  One more multiple choice question answered correctly.

Just one more point and things would be different.  Wow.

Failing: How is that defined?

I saw this blog and it made me laugh (which, after today's events, was sorely needed):

Pictures of Failing Moments

Some of my favorites...

See, failure is defined in many ways. Somehow, oddly enough, I don't see pictures of anyone who did not pass the bar. We are not failures.

Jogging with Clichés

I admit: I am not a true runner...yet. While my dad and brother can go on and on about the "runner's high," I am not so convinced...yet. Don't get me wrong--I enjoy running while playing soccer, sprinting while playing tennis, and going on long hikes. But, *just* jogging (which is really what I am doing) is truly a mind over matter experience for me. Currently, I run about 2-3 miles, 2-3 times a week (depending on a lot of things like the weather, what I had for dinner, what time I get home, etc.) When I run with others or when I don't know how long a route is, I can go for longer which makes me know that I have a mental block when it comes to running on my neighborhood. I have a few loops that I run and once I get close to home, I lose steam although I could go another loop to increase my mileage. I only say all of this to let you know why running a half-marathon in February really is a tough goal. I am barely able to run 3 miles, much less 13!

Running is meditative for me. I rarely listen to music while I run, preferring to let my thoughts be the only noise between my ears. It seems that with every foot-strike of the pavement, another thought either enters my mind or becomes more clarified. Lately, as more things have been on my mind, I've truly come to appreciate that my father needed to go run to clear his head at the end of the day. Some people are morning runners. I am not and I wonder if I inherited that from Dad. I just cannot get myself out there in the a.m. to run...I much prefer the evening where you can smell dinners being prepared in the neighborhood or check out what beer or wine the neighbors prefer based on what's in the recycling bin. Actually, when I was younger, when dad was mad at us, he would go out for a run to calm down and to think about our consequences. We could always tell how much trouble we were in by the length of his run.

While I'm running, I often analogize running to whatever is the predominant concern of my life: runningis like studying for the bar exam, running is like failing the bar exam, running is like....

Some of the thoughts I had Tuesday evening while running in the rain (my favorite running condition):

• Running is like preparing for the bar exam:  everyone goes at their own pace and has their own style, but essentially we all have the same goal (finishing).
• Running is like studying for the bar and a lot like life: sometimes you've got to slow down, walk, and breathe deeply.  Running when you need to rest causes more harm than good.
• Running is like failing the bar: if you aren't able to meet your goal one day, you put your running shoes on the next day and try again.
• Running (and yoga) is like failing the bar exam: ultimately, you are your only judge and your harshest critic.
• Running is like life: sometimes the pace is steady, sometimes you run "in the zone," sometimes it takes all you've got to finish, sometimes you notice the flowers along the way, sometimes you don't.
• Training for a race is like preparing for the bar exam: you train and train and you hope that on race day, you'll be at your peak.
• Running in the rain reminded me that while being splashed with muddy water in a pain in the neck and a dirty inconvenience, most people do not intend to splash me, harm me, or otherwise annoy me.  For some reason, they are either not paying attention or are so concerned about their own issues to realize that I am running nearby.  I just keep running. 

Enough clichés for you?  Somehow there is comfort in those clichés at times.  I guess that's why clichés are so classic: when there's nothing more elaborate to say, sometimes the simplest saying or thought conveys the message the best. 

Running strengthens my mind and my body.  I'd like to think that preparing for the bar exam strengthens my mind, at the least.  However, I am beginning to think that what I am learning from this experience goes far beyond the original intent and scope of what I thought I would learn from it (torts, wills, property, contracts, etc.).  I am learning valuable lessons in humility, pride, self-respect, gratitude, and perhaps most importantly, just "being" in the moment and being at peace with what is.

It is what it is and this too shall pass.

Wednesdays

Wednesdays are my favorite day of the week, with Sunday morning coming in a close second place. Today was a nice Wednesday...work first and then a perfect "me" evening: a slow jog in the rain, yoga class, nachos with guac for dinner, reading the Indy over a glass of a favorite wine.

It has now been over 10 days since I got *that* letter. Today, I was able to request my score. I was almost beginning to forget about it as life is returning to some sense of normalcy. I'm enjoying this.

Threes

They say bad things happen in threes, right?  

A few weeks ago, my grandmother died.  Then I learned that I failed the bar exam.  And today, I learned that the victim of a domestic violence related homicide was an employee at one of the restaurants I work at. I saw her just a few weeks ago.

In the big scheme of things, not passing the bar exam is not the worst that can happen to me.  I am grateful for what I do have in my life: health, love, and happiness...and a safe place to call "home."

My training plan

I'm not even sure I'm a beginner since I only run 2 nights a week or so. I figure I'll start this up in October once it's a bit cooler in the afternoons. I like the idea of resting on M,W,F. I have yoga class on Wednesday nights but that often conflicts with pint night at Tyler's. Sometimes down dog wins over a summer ale and sometimes I feel that enjoying a great stout over nice conversation is just what I need.

Here's the running plan. I'll gradually build up to 10 miles over the course of 7-8 weeks. If anyone has any recommendations for nice 5-10 mile routes in the Triangle, please let me know.

Ahhh....the weekend

Considering I spent most of last weekend crying or waiting on the mail, I very much needed a weekend of relaxation. In my blog subtitle, I mention that I am going to talk about good food and drink but have yet to do so. So here goes:

Friday night included a misty, earlier- than- scheduled Chuck Berry performance. We only saw him play for a few umbrella-obscured minutes. After that, we decided to check out the sparkling new Raleigh Convention Center which was hosting the International Festival along with the Raleigh Wide Open celebration. A visit through an International Festival would not be complete without having something to eat, so we enjoyed a baklava sundae (ice cream topped with crumbled baklava and honey syrup). The "fried doe" at one of the stands was tempting, but I decided not to test whether they really meant "fried doe" or if they intended to say "fried dough" instead.

So, no Friday night in downtown Raleigh is complete without stopping by Raleigh Times or the Flying Saucer for a drink. One of the things I enjoy about the fall and winter is the return of my favorite seasonal beers: stouts, porters, and Octoberfest-y brews. At the Saucer, I could not pass up the opportunity to have a Founders Breakfast Stout. This beer combines 3 of my favorite tastes: coffee, chocolate, and beer. I really could have this for breakfast every morning (except that it would make getting to work a bit more challenging). If I recall correctly, I actually had 2 of them on Friday night, but who's counting?

Saturday's adventures included a stop at Tyler's new bottle shop, where a metal sign dropped out of nowhere and fell onto me. Thanks to law school, all I could think of was torts---was that a known hazard? I suffered no damages though, or at least none that I can think of now.

Obviously frightened (ah-ha, I was harmed!) by the falling sign, I needed another drink so we headed to Southern Rail in Carrboro where I had a yummy rum and ginger soda cocktail to pair with the delightfully mole-tasting Oaxacan torte that was one of the special desserts for the evening. I had not been to Southern Rail yet and I am glad to see something successful in that location after many years of changed concepts. It had a cozy environment with different "settings"---an ample patio area in the front and in the back, a few nice bar areas, romantic-looking tables on the inside. It would be an ideal place for a big get-together....especially in the fall when it's not so hot and muggy out.

Sunday, I got my butt kicked at tennis and had almost forgotten that just a week ago I was on the verge of tears on an hourly basis. I'll get better at tennis and I'll get better at writing Bar exam essays. It's just all a matter of time, practice, dedication, and most importantly, patience.

Fail the NC Bar Exam=Become a Politician

Maybe that's my destiny? I've always been drawn to politics and would like to run for public office one day. Somehow it seems a lot of the well-known bar repeaters are politicians. I wonder if that's mainly because all of their dirty laundry is aired during a campaign and apparently, failing the bar exam is dirty laundry.

I did not know that former governor of NC, Jim Hunt, failed the NC bar exam on his first attempt.

After failing the bar exam, Hunt moved with his wife and daughter to Nepal, where he worked as an economic adviser for the Ford Foundation for two years.

In 1966, he passed the bar exam on his second try and joined a law practice in Wilson.

Ooh, moving to Nepal...I had not thought about that before. I wonder if he brought flashcards with him.

Roll Call

Today is the day that the results will be posted online for everyone and their grandmother to see (assuming granny gets online or is even around). However, it should be noted that there will be some names missing from that list other than those of us lucky enough to have not passed. Some people may have passed the bar exam but had not taken (or passed) the MPRE (ethics exam) before sitting for the bar exam. Also, some people may still be pending a character and fitness interview for whatever reason (drugs, prostitution, shoplifting, kicking a cat in middle school). So, I am preparing myself for a few emails and/or calls from some folks when they don't see my name on that list.

Yep, I passed the MPRE in November. Yep, I passed all of my character and fitness stuff (which reminds me---will I have to keep amending my application until March? Grr.) But, no, I did not pass the bar exam. Shucks.

I went to UNC-Chapel Hill for undergrad. I am a huge UNC basketball fan. Failing the bar exam is possibly like UNC losing to Kansas in the Final Four last year. They had the best team, the best player, had practiced a lot....yet still got beaten. But, everyone came back for this season and now we all think there is no possible reason we won't win the NCAA Championship....of course, unless we get beaten again. I make this analogy to comfort myself and maybe comfort others who felt that they would win against the Bar Exam, but who, unfortunately, lost.

For those who say or think I may not have done enough....in my mind, I did. I did Invest in Success (a program at my school geared towards bar prep), BarBri classes, PMBR, over 2000 multiple choice questions (maybe even more---I lost count after awhile), at least 3 full-length timed practice MBEs, a poster for every NC subject, notecards, post-it notes, listened to PMBR CDs...you name it, I tried it.

And I still lost.

But, hey.......there's always next year.

Are those crickets I hear?

I just changed the settings on here so that you can leave comments without registering, so feel free to do so. I am even choosing not to moderate them, so anything goes (well, so long as you aren't stealing your one-liners from the RNC speeches last night).

Goals and More Goals

Reminds me of Univision's coverage of a soccer game: "Gooooooooooooooooollllllllll!!!!!!!!!!"

Confession: It's really hard for me to not plan and set goals.

I never truly realized that until now. Over the past week, as I ramble on to friends, my boss, and my significant other about my "plan" for the next 5-6 months, they have all told me to stop trying to plan things right now. I've been told to take some time off of studying, to take a break....but I am already getting antsy.

Last night, I did pick up a book to read and had a hard time putting it down. I've got stacks of books that I have accumulated over the past four years--my love of reading was only temporarily tempered by a lack of time to do so (thanks to 4 years of law school, at night, while working full-time). I am excited about using the fall and winter to make a dent on my Amazon wish list.

Other non-studying-for-the-bar-exam goals I have for the next few months:

1. Train for half-marathon: this will start in earnest once my marathoner brother gives me my training schedule. I imagine I'll be running 3-4 evenings a week, at least.
2. Read a book for pleasure every 2 weeks (or so).
3. Plant perennials and bulbs in front yard planters (going to class at night meant that weekend projects that were not finished were put off until later and "later" never really came back around).
   
4. Volunteer more often (especially with political campaigns of those I support).
5. Seal kitchen tiles and fix up baseboards. Yeah....long overdue.
   
6. Catch a fish.
   

Those are reasonable, right? Perhaps by focusing on the other enjoyable things in my life, the importance of the bar exam will fade somewhat. Yes, passing it IS important, but I have no doubt I can have a joy-filled life without it (for now). And truth be told, I don't doubt that WHEN I pass the bar in February and WHEN I start my legal career, I will look back on these days where I had the time to read for fun, work in the yard, and to go fishing and wonder why I wanted them to go by more quickly.

Coming out of the Closet

So failing the bar has been likened to cancer (see previous post) and it seems that announcing you've not passed is like being gay and coming out of the closet. Rumor has it that my school had an 81% pass rate, which means that there are more that did not pass than the 5 others I know about. I urge the others to "come out" and find safety and solace in knowing that you are not the only one. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

Why did I decide to "come out"? Simple: there was nothing to be ashamed of. At first I was afraid of judgment, but a dear friend of mine reminded me that judgment is a form of violence. The kinda crunchy new-age hippie in me (or, as a con law professor called me "a tree-hugging granola bleeding-heart liberal") agrees. Therefore, though my first instinct was to not tell anyone other than my closest friends, I soon decided to out myself. I wanted to own it---not be ashamed of the fact that I DID NOT PASS THE BAR EXAM (but I will in February).

I worried about telling my classmates, but then figured that if they judged me for failing, that was their problem, not mine. If they think I'm less intelligent, less hard-working, less successful, then so be it. But, ultimately, I knew that my classmates and colleagues are a wonderful bunch of people and I gave them the benefit of the doubt that they would not judge me. I'm glad I did. I have received so many thoughtful emails and messages from friends and classmates. Yes, I was in tears most of the time when I read those words, but those words helped me confirm what I know is true: I am not stupid, I am not a failure, I will pass.

To think I would have deprived myself of that support for fear of being judged.....

Jobs and Treats

This morning, I didn't cry. That, my friends, is a small step forward. I felt somewhat optimistic, in fact. I felt a bit of relief knowing that I had a job to go to---that my life is not defined by a law license. For those who don't already know this, I am a translator/interpreter/recruiter/trainer for a large quick service (ok, fast food) franchise here in NC. So, despite not being deemed "minimally competent" for a law license, I am a certified Master Biscuit Maker. Not only can I whip up some top-notch biscuits, I can do so in less than 3 1/2 minutes. Surely that makes me more than "minimally competent." Right?

There are those who just passed the bar and who are, unfortunately, unemployed. If I did not have my job, not passing the bar would have been more of a setback, especially if loan repayments were due. For those who did not pass the bar, yet who are in that situation, I am very sorry. Another reason not passing the bar sucks. Big time.

Since I was planning on going out on my own, I had seriously curtailed spending in the past few months in order to save up. Now that I know I will have an income through the fall and winter, I allowed myself to a few treats: houseplants (over the past year, all the ones I had before died due to lack of care), new hiking boots, and a few new knives (for cooking....and for slashing bar review material in March).

Each day is easier than the day before it. Again, I tell myself that if this is the worst thing that could happen to me, life is pretty good.

The first thing I read after it sunk in

Assuming it truly has sunk in, of course....

After I weeded through the ads for bar review courses when I googled "fail bar exam", I came across this helpful blog: The Uncivil Litigator. There is some really good advice on there and I am somewhat comforted by the number of folks who have failed the bar exam. My favorite tidbit of consolation is this: "Failing the bar exam is simply a pain in the ass that will end relatively soon in the major scheme of things."

I have heard it likened to cancer---that even the healthiest, most active people get it, while the pack-a-day smokers live to 90. So, I decided to call up my friend who just beat cancer. Her response, "Well, sorta-except you can't DIE from failing the bar exam and you don't have to go through chemotherapy to get over it." Put that way, she's right. I am not going to die from failing the bar exam (unless, well, I drink myself into an unconcious stupor, get electrocuted from studying on my laptop in the tub, or get a horrible infection from index-card induced paper cuts). And, no, I don't have to go through chemo (and my friend is a champ to have gone through it and beat cancer, a true inspiration), but I just might have to spend weeks in detox to reverse the effects of the coffee, beer, wine and bad food ingested while studying for the bar (or waiting for results and the subsequent numbing/celebrating of said results). But, it is not chemo, and for that, I am grateful.

I admit I am frightened by the prospect of being one of those who takes it multiple times to no avail. But, the silver lining is that people do pass the bar eventually, be it after 2 tries, 5 tries, 13 tries, or 47 tries. The key is to not give up.

Here are others who have failed a bar exam:
Hilary Clinton (Failed DC exam, passed Arkansas)
Kathleen Sullivan (former dean of Stanford Law who had argues cases before the Supreme
Court)
John F. Kennedy, Jr. (fainlly passed on 3rd attempt, with special accomodations)


And others including Antonio Villaraigosa, Pat Robertson, Abraham Lincoln, Ed Koch and Greg Mathis (TV judges---hey, there's a career I haven't thought of---hmm, there's Divorce Court, People's Court, Judge Judy....how about Who's My Daddy? court or Deportation (*ahem* removal) Court?)

Work-The Walk of Shame

You know how you feel the morning after you've had too much to drink? You wonder if you've said inappropriate things, danced on the top of the bar, insulted your boss, flirted with the waiter a bit too much.....You go to work or see your friends and wonder why everyone is looking at you kinda funny. I feel that way right now. I feel everyone knows yet no one wants to ask about it. I guess the look on my face says it all (not to mention the bloodshot eyes that come from 3 nights of restless sleep, daily bouts of tears, and a few too many beers).

I guess the good thing is that I have a job that doesn't require a law license. I admit I am tad envious of those who get to start working at their new law jobs and use that newly minted license.

This week's focus for recovery: truly believing that this is not indicative of my knowledge, intellect, or ability to be an attorney.

Here's an interesting article I came across while searching "fail bar exam": "The Science of Passing the Bar Exam: Does First-Year Torts Really Matter?" I found this comment particularly comforting:

But the study does support a conclusion that most law students and lawyers already know: no matter what you took or how well you did in law school, the bar exam is an experience all its own.

It really is an experience all its own.

An Exclusive Club

We, the failers, are an exclusive group. Based on statistical reasoning alone, more people pass the bar than fail it. I find relief in those who say "No one passes the bar on the first time!" because, although it's not true, it reminds me that most people outside of the legal community have very little knowledge about what the Bar exam really is all about. It is a mammoth exam and I'm not sure what passing it really means about one's ability to be a zealous advocate. I have found comfort in the words of many of my classmates who consoled me by admitting their fear...that any one of them could be sitting at the edge of the bar with me right now, with that "unsuccessful" letter in hand (mine is now wine-stained).

I do hope that I am one of a few from my alma mater to not pass on the first time. I sincerely hope our school has the highest pass rate ever. Based on what I'm seeing, it looks like most of my classmates have passed. CONGRATULATIONS to all of you!!!!!! I truly wish I could be a part of the celebration (and the passing rate), but I will be there in February, no doubt. I still feel a bit left out, but I'm sure that feeling will pass as the days go by.

The Morning After--Disappointment Hangover

Two days after I got my "unsuccessful" letter, I am told I am managing well. Mornings are the hardest so far, mainly because when I am awaken by dogs or my internal alarm clock, I can't fall back asleep because I am thinking about the fact that I did not pass the NC Bar exam.

"I regret to inform you that you were unsuccessful on the July 2008 North Carolina Bar Exam." Now, when I opened that letter, I knew that some people would not pass. I did not think I would be one of them. All I had heard for the past 2-3 months was "You'll be fine!" or "Don't worry, I'm sure you aced it!" Or, my personal favorite...."My brother is stupid as can be. If he can pass it, so can you." I know these were all well-intentioned comments, but the bar exam is really a crapshoot. I studied nearly 10 hours a day for the whole month of July. I took BarBri and PMBR. I did 30 multiple choice questions a day. I made notecards, posters, charts. I studied harder in that month than I have ever studied before. And I failed.

By how much? Who knows? In NC, you can only see your score if you fail and request to see the report. But, I have to wait 2 weeks in order to request that. So, as of today, I don't know whether it was the essays that did me in (I felt confident, but essays have never been my strong point) or the MBE (I ran out of time and guessed on a large handful).

The good things:

• I do not have debt from law school (nor any other debt other than the mortgage) and technically, I am still employed in a place where I do not need a license to practice.
• I have a wonderfully supportive family (including my father who is an elementary school guidance counselor and as such, is used to helping kids deal with feelings of failure and disappointment)
  
• Steadfast friends who were surprised that someone as smart as I am (their words) could fail this test (there MUST be something wrong with the test, they say).
  
• The best boyfriend in the whole world who assures me he still loves me even though I failed the bar (and makes sure that my wine or beer glass is always full).
  

In the meantime, I will try to figure out a plan for the next 5-6 months. Surely that will be plenty of time to learn all I need to know about the law. I am also going to train for a half-marathon, with the hope of being successful at something. It has always been a goal of mine to run a marathon, so I figure that I can work towards accomplishing that goal while I work on this other goal of passing the Bar Exam. The tentative plan is to run the Myrtle Beach Half-Marathon on Valentine's Day, with abovementioned BF...2 weeks before Bar Exam: Take 2.

Off to find those stories of famous people who have failed the Bar Exam....