Racing Against the Fear

If y'all haven't figured this out already, I like to make analogies.  When I'm running, I tend to analogize everything to running.  Tonight was no different.

Since the time change a few weeks ago, I've been trying to figure out how to get in a few runs during the week.  I am not a morning person.  When I intend to run in the morning, I inevitably choose to sleep another 30 minutes.  However, I don't have much of a problem getting motivated to exercise between 5-7 p.m.  The fact that it gets dark at 5:30 throws a monkey wrench in my best laid plans to exercise.  This week, I tried to run 3 miles on the treadmill and it was dreadful.  I love my gym, but the air there is not nearly as fresh and crisp as the air I breathe while running outside.  Tonight, I was planning on another run on the treadmill, but decided to run outside instead.

Why haven't I gone running outside in the evening since time change? Because I was afraid.  Afraid that something would happen to me and no one would know, afraid that I would fall and injure myself and no one would see me laying on the side of the road, etc...

Well, tonight I decided to face those fears.  I will have to face my fears of failure in February when I take the bar exam again.  I think one of the best things I can do to help face a fear is to prepare myself for any situation that could present itself.   

So, tonight, I put on my reflective gear, tucked my ID and my cell phone in my pocket, texted a friend to say I was heading out for a run, and put my big, vicious attack dogs (well, they're big at least) on their leashes.  I went out for a run in my (lighted) neighborhood at a time when I knew people would be getting home.  Somehow knowing that my address is on my dogs' tags and that "parents" and "neighbors" were programmed in my cell phone made me feel safer.

And so I ran.  It was a wonderful run.  I could have gone longer, but my security guards were tired.    I did not want to run longer without them.  I do think that a healthy sense of fear motivates us and keeps us safer.

Facing the fear of running at dusk will be like facing the fear of the bar exam in February.  All I can do is prepare myself to the best of my ability and run with it.  Once the adrenaline of running (and of the bar exam) kicks in, the sense of fear subsides and is overcome by a sense of vitality and accomplishment.  I won't let my fears beat me.

Now, if only I could take the bar exam with my pups at my side :)

Closer to 346 than to 13.1

I missed passing the bar by 1 point.  I scored 345.  I needed 346.  I have until February to improve by 1 point (or, hopefully, more...some insurance would be nice).  Training for that will start in November.  I will post my study schedule once I figure it out myself.

Now, as for the other February goal...

Right now, I can do a 4 mile run once a week.  My other 2-3 runs are about 3 miles. I need to get to 13.  The thought of running 13 miles is still overwhelming.  By the end of November, I need to be able to run 6 miles comfortably.  I really believe that my big obstacle right now is getting over the mental finish-line. When I'm running on a familiar course and I near the end, I fizzle out.  I just can't. run. another. minute.  I know that it's mental, yet don't know how to get over it except for just making myself go a little bit longer each time.

So, come February, I will know what sitting for a bar exam feels like.  I hope to know what running 13 miles feels like.  Either way, I will do both and be successful.

Jogging with Clichés

I admit: I am not a true runner...yet. While my dad and brother can go on and on about the "runner's high," I am not so convinced...yet. Don't get me wrong--I enjoy running while playing soccer, sprinting while playing tennis, and going on long hikes. But, *just* jogging (which is really what I am doing) is truly a mind over matter experience for me. Currently, I run about 2-3 miles, 2-3 times a week (depending on a lot of things like the weather, what I had for dinner, what time I get home, etc.) When I run with others or when I don't know how long a route is, I can go for longer which makes me know that I have a mental block when it comes to running on my neighborhood. I have a few loops that I run and once I get close to home, I lose steam although I could go another loop to increase my mileage. I only say all of this to let you know why running a half-marathon in February really is a tough goal. I am barely able to run 3 miles, much less 13!

Running is meditative for me. I rarely listen to music while I run, preferring to let my thoughts be the only noise between my ears. It seems that with every foot-strike of the pavement, another thought either enters my mind or becomes more clarified. Lately, as more things have been on my mind, I've truly come to appreciate that my father needed to go run to clear his head at the end of the day. Some people are morning runners. I am not and I wonder if I inherited that from Dad. I just cannot get myself out there in the a.m. to run...I much prefer the evening where you can smell dinners being prepared in the neighborhood or check out what beer or wine the neighbors prefer based on what's in the recycling bin. Actually, when I was younger, when dad was mad at us, he would go out for a run to calm down and to think about our consequences. We could always tell how much trouble we were in by the length of his run.

While I'm running, I often analogize running to whatever is the predominant concern of my life: runningis like studying for the bar exam, running is like failing the bar exam, running is like....

Some of the thoughts I had Tuesday evening while running in the rain (my favorite running condition):

• Running is like preparing for the bar exam:  everyone goes at their own pace and has their own style, but essentially we all have the same goal (finishing).
• Running is like studying for the bar and a lot like life: sometimes you've got to slow down, walk, and breathe deeply.  Running when you need to rest causes more harm than good.
• Running is like failing the bar: if you aren't able to meet your goal one day, you put your running shoes on the next day and try again.
• Running (and yoga) is like failing the bar exam: ultimately, you are your only judge and your harshest critic.
• Running is like life: sometimes the pace is steady, sometimes you run "in the zone," sometimes it takes all you've got to finish, sometimes you notice the flowers along the way, sometimes you don't.
• Training for a race is like preparing for the bar exam: you train and train and you hope that on race day, you'll be at your peak.
• Running in the rain reminded me that while being splashed with muddy water in a pain in the neck and a dirty inconvenience, most people do not intend to splash me, harm me, or otherwise annoy me.  For some reason, they are either not paying attention or are so concerned about their own issues to realize that I am running nearby.  I just keep running. 

Enough clichés for you?  Somehow there is comfort in those clichés at times.  I guess that's why clichés are so classic: when there's nothing more elaborate to say, sometimes the simplest saying or thought conveys the message the best. 

Running strengthens my mind and my body.  I'd like to think that preparing for the bar exam strengthens my mind, at the least.  However, I am beginning to think that what I am learning from this experience goes far beyond the original intent and scope of what I thought I would learn from it (torts, wills, property, contracts, etc.).  I am learning valuable lessons in humility, pride, self-respect, gratitude, and perhaps most importantly, just "being" in the moment and being at peace with what is.

It is what it is and this too shall pass.