Closing the Books....for good

And the time to close those big green books has finally come.  Finally.  In a way, these past 6 months have flown by.  On the other hand, I feel like I've been studying forever.

I didn't get as much done today as I thought I would, but I think I figured out why.  Adrenaline pushes us to study more, train more, etc.  I just didn't feel like I need to have a final "push" today.  I made flashcards for Civ Pro, Mortgages, and did a few other cards for some definitions/rules that I always seem to forget.  I've had a plan this time and I've stuck to it.

I re-read the July 2008 exam.  I can see now that I could have answered  some of those questions better than I did.  That being said, since I only missed it by one point, I am a bit concerned that the bar would have given me a license to practice considering those answers. It really it a test of minimum competence...you just can't be minimally competent on some things and completely incompetent on others.

I think I know all I can know to pass this test on Tuesday/Wednesday.  All of my books and outlines are now reduced to about 200 index cards that I will flip through tomorrow.  And then I'll relax for the rest of the day.

To my fellow re-takers:  I wish you all the best and hope to see you on the other side of the bar very soon!

To my law school friends: thanks for all of your support and kind words over the past months...I am honored to have such wonderful colleagues.

To other friends: thanks for believing in me and for always having a beer with me, whether I pass or fail.

To my family:  thanks for being there for me when I got the bad news and thanks for always reminding me that my performance on this exam is not a measure of who I am.

To V:  thanks for being so understanding of my need to study and for listening to me go on and on and on about what I've been studying, and most importantly, being a shoulder to cry on when I feel scared or overwhelmed.  

I truly hope I will not have to go through this again. It is a learning experience and it has been an opportunity for a lot of personal growth.  But, I really really really really do not want to go through this again.

That all being said....it's time for bed.

Fizzling out

Today's goal was to look at Civil Procedure, Family Law, Mortgages, Contracts/Sales, PR, and then review.  So far, done with Civ Pro and Family Law.  But, it's 3 p.m. and I am just running out of steam.  Realistically, I know I can finish up with those other topics before dinnertime and then enjoy a beer with my flashcards.

I'm just tired of looking at these BarBri outlines.  Tired of writing.  Tired of reading.  Tired of having my cat bite my hand while I type.  Tired of chewing on all of my pens. Tired of index cards.  Just plain tired.

Just a few more hours....

Brick Walls and Breaks

9 days until the big day and I am just.not.motivated. Maybe it's the prospect of a whole week to memorize NC law ad nauseam and write essays and look at old exams?  Maybe it's the fact that I've now been studying for the bar Exam for about 5 months (adding in my July study time) and I'm just sick of the UCC, the FRE, the NCRCP, the UPA., the MPC, et.al.?  In fact, the only acronyms I am interested in these days are ACC and WTF. 

My dear friend (who passed the bar in July) says that this week before the exam should be best utilized to "manage anxiety."  Somehow I feel like I should study 12 hours a day for the next week, but I just don't think that's a realistic goal.  Last time, with a week to go before the exam, I was still looking at NC topics for the first time since the BarBri lecture (that I hardly paid attention to due to my inability to sit still and watch anything on a screen).  I was still learning about priority in consumer goods, fixtures, defamation, etc.  This time, I've already done that, so the feeling that I need to cram is just not present this time.  I'd like to think that's a good thing.  Still, the prospect of writing an essay for real is still scary, but motivating.  I know I will know as much as I can know come next Sunday and honestly, that's all I can do.  At this point in the game, studying an extra 2-3 hours a day is useless if it causes me more anxiety and stress.

In good news, I'm scoring about 70% on MBE multis and I've improved my timing.  I will still do 30 multis a day until Saturday, when I will do a 100 question set (timed).  I will do all of the essays in the BarBri yellow book and I will write out complete answers for the past 3 years of old NC exams.  I will outline the essays for another 3 years of essays.

I will also get a massage on Wednesday and I will go out to run a few afternoons this week.  I will also make sure to get enough sleep so that I don't get sick before the exam.  I am managing my anxiety.

I did go for a study break beer on Friday night.  I also enjoyed a nice dinner out with the wonderful sig other who is certainly tired of hearing me talk about this test.  He (very politely) suggested that I try to take a break from it for a few hours last night, which I interpreted as him telling me he needed a break from hearing about it.  Nonetheless, it was nice to talk about all the fun things that are coming up after the exam.  Breaks are good.  Relaxing is good. But...

9 days???!!!!   WTF?

Torts, done!

Topics left: Property, Contracts, Secured Transactions, Civil Procedure.

Reminiscing on July, I remember that I was still making posters of outlines a few days before the exam.  By typing up the BarBri outlines and adding NC distinctions and my own mnemonics, I am essentially doing the same thing I did in July (making posters).  However, this time around, I will have a full 2 weeks to review, review, review, review.  Last time, I was looking at some topics for the first time (other than the 3 hours from Barbri class where I had a very hard time sitting still to watch a videotaped lecture) just days before the exam.  Add my July study to this study and I am finally feeling quite comfortable with most topics.  Once I do memorization drills and essay practice, I'm sure I will feel even better.

I will pass the bar.

Frustration of Purpose and Confusion of the Issues

Two legal phrases that best describe my mental state right now.

Last night, after scoring 78% on an Evidence practice set, I decided to go to bed. I was late anyway, but I did finish Evidence. For some reason, I decided to take my July 2008 Bar Exam essays to bed with me. Bad idea.

My undergrad degree is Education, so I learned how to test students and also how to give feedback. I was reminded last night that the bar examiners who write (and grade) those exams are lawyers, not teachers. For one, having essays with no writing on them to indicate where I did get points left me wondering where I really went wrong, especially when my essay covers the same things as a "model" essay. Was it my knowledge of the law that didn't come through as coherently? Did I not say the magic phrase? Second, knowing my score on an essay is almost useless if you don't know the overall range of scores---if average was a 5, then my 3 wasn't so bad after all.

I was also reminded of the range of my scores and that reminded me that different people write each question and grade it. So, it's obvious that the person who graded my Wills essay gave no points for about 10 things I mentioned that were also mentioned in the model essay. I could have written a letter to Santa on that essay and received as many points as I did actually writing about the issue (that would be 0 points). Yes, I got 0 points on an essay. It is a myth that if you identify the issue and write some basic, applicable rules, you'll get at least a point. Not true.

One point is all I have to recover, but I am aiming to recover a lot more. As for coverage, I am now down to Torts, Contracts, and Property (and their respective NC topics). I'm also down to 23 days until showtime. From today on out, it's at least 6 hours of studying a day until I take off time from work. At that point, it will be 8-10 hours a day. But, I will only be reviewing, which will be different than last time. Right now, I am feeling confident about the MBE, but not so confident about the essays. But, that is kinda where I expected to be at this point in the game---I wanted to get the MBE topics under my belt so that I could focus on memorizing NC law and writing essays in the home stretch.

I will pass the bar. I will pass the bar. I will pass the bar.

I hate studying

Have I said that already? I really do not like it. I've never been much of a studier anyway. In high school, I was one of those who got good grades despite minimal effort. In college, I got by, though I definitely partied more than I studied. In my last year of college, I did see that my grades were better if I studied. Go figure. Law school wasn't too much different, but I justified my lack of studying with the fact that I was working full time. I studied enough to get a good enough grade.

Studying for the bar exam the first time around wasn't so bad, mainly because all of my classmates were in the same stressed out boat I was. And, I knew that I only had to know enough to pass. It was only a test of minimal competency. Well, obviously I either didn't learn enough to *just* pass it or I'm not minimally competent.

This time, honestly, has been pure hell so far. One thing that is different is that I don't have that same support group that I had last time. The other thing is that more people are telling me what I should do differently to pass. While I know their intent is good, I have to bite my tongue so as to not remind them that, in actuality, there may have only been 1 point separating us, so their way likely isn't going to be the magical salve to my success this time around. I am tweaking some things and doing some things differently (writing out answers to multis, reading outlines out loud, etc.)

I have completed Con Law and Crim Law/Criminal Procedure. I will tackle Evidence this weekend. As for NC subjects, I'm down to Civ Pro and the remaining MBE topics (Torts, Contracts, Property). I am only a day behind on my schedule, which will still leave me 3-4 days to "review" and write essays ad nauseum.

I hate studying. Hate it. Have I said that already?

Monday Morning Progress Report

I had another nice weekend, but I fear it might have been the last one of that intensity until after the Bar exam. It's not so much the partying and drinking that is harmful, but rather the general malaise that results the next day. But, to my defense, it is important to relax when possible while studying for the Bar exam. I had to take advantage of the some of the last winter seasonals (beer) before the spring seasonals start rolling in. I also enjoyed celebrating a 40th birthday with a friend. The bar exam IS important, but learning how to balance other important things in life is one of the lessons learned during crunch-time.

So....I finished up Wills and Professional Responsibility. I've also gotten about about 25% of Con Law done. This week, I'll tackle some smaller NC topics, like Mortgages, Trusts, and Agency. I will also finish Con Law.

Another thing I will do this week is work on getting to bed a bit earlier and doing about 15 minutes more of cardio while at the gym (that helps me go to sleep). While I can generally get away with 6 hours of sleep each night, by the time the weekend rolls around, all I want to do is sleep in. Unfortunately, that gives me a late start on a prime day for studying.

Lastly, I will try to stake out a good place to study in the evenings. I'm not sure if it will be a coffee place or a library or a combination of both, but I will have to get out of my house at least a few nights a week if I want to get anything done.

6 full weeks left....where did the time go??!?!

Tactile and Left-Brained

Makes me sound like a dinosaur.

A friend came over last night and brought a book titled How to Learn Anything Quickly. She has been trying to decipher her own style and suggested I do the same since we are both in the enviable position of having to study AGAIN for the Bar exam.

After going through a few quizzes, turns out I'm a tactile, left-brained learner. The left-brain part didn't surprise me much considering that I've always been good at things with words (spelling, writing, foreign language, etc.) However, I didn't realize that I was a tactile learner, although in retrospect, it does make sense.

I take horrible notes (ask my 2 study buddy classmates). See, I don't take notes to read them later---I take them so that I can remember things. That's why I had to go to class in order to learn (law school anyway, not high school or college). If I borrowed someone else's notes, I realized that I didn't learn the material as well.

While studying for the bar, in the last 2 weeks before the exam, I made colored posters of the North Carolina topics and plastered them all over the walls. What was on my posters, I remember. What I didn't write down (like contracts regarding wills), I didn't learn (and consequently received a "0" on that essay on the exam!)

As I slowly begin to get back to studying, I've been thinking about the best way to go about it. Since I *do* have 4 months to study this time around (instead of 2 months last time), I have some flexibility regarding a study schedule.

Things I will do like last time:

• Make posters of main topics (though I already have posters made, it's the making of the posters that helps me, not the mere reading them)
• Write rules on dry-erase board ad nauseum (write rule, erase, write rule, erase)
• Make post-it notes of rules to post around house

Things I will do differently:

• While listening to PMBR CDs (which I did in the car), I will take notes (did not do that last time)
• Find cases that deal with a certain topic of the law (in law school, I loved reading cases that dealt with tough topics for me to handle---putting faces and facts to the rules helped me remember and conceptualize the laws in action).
• NOT sit through another BarBri videotaped lecture and fill out outlines (*not* my style of learning since I only seem to remember what I wrote down and not the whole sentence--some outlines were better than others, but where there were only 2-3 blanks per page, my mind would wander)
• After doing a multiple choice question, write down the rule of law (in a notebook, on a dry-erase board, anywhere) instead of just reading the answer
• Not take off a whole month to study

I put my supplemental application in the mail yesterday. I should get my graded essays sometime next week. Time is going by quicker than I thought it would. Before long, I'll be back into the land of Torts, Contracts, Constitutional law (though, at the rate this administration is going, this will be a moot topic as there will be no constitutional rights that are still honored), and my favorite topic, Property (not really).

One thing about the NC Bar Exam is that you only get your scores if you fail. So, when I find out that I passed in March, I won't know my score. It would be interesting to know if these proposed changes in studying actually make a measurable difference.

I actually love reading about and learning the law. I just don't like studying for the Bar exam. They are not the same thing (as anyone who has taken a Bar exam knows).

Enough about studying...I promise an update shortly about the Durham Beer Fest last weekend. Last weekend was definitely one of those perfect weekends where I truly felt grateful to be on this Earth and in this space that I'm in now---having passed the Bar in July would not have made me any happier.

The Morning After--Disappointment Hangover

Two days after I got my "unsuccessful" letter, I am told I am managing well. Mornings are the hardest so far, mainly because when I am awaken by dogs or my internal alarm clock, I can't fall back asleep because I am thinking about the fact that I did not pass the NC Bar exam.

"I regret to inform you that you were unsuccessful on the July 2008 North Carolina Bar Exam." Now, when I opened that letter, I knew that some people would not pass. I did not think I would be one of them. All I had heard for the past 2-3 months was "You'll be fine!" or "Don't worry, I'm sure you aced it!" Or, my personal favorite...."My brother is stupid as can be. If he can pass it, so can you." I know these were all well-intentioned comments, but the bar exam is really a crapshoot. I studied nearly 10 hours a day for the whole month of July. I took BarBri and PMBR. I did 30 multiple choice questions a day. I made notecards, posters, charts. I studied harder in that month than I have ever studied before. And I failed.

By how much? Who knows? In NC, you can only see your score if you fail and request to see the report. But, I have to wait 2 weeks in order to request that. So, as of today, I don't know whether it was the essays that did me in (I felt confident, but essays have never been my strong point) or the MBE (I ran out of time and guessed on a large handful).

The good things:

• I do not have debt from law school (nor any other debt other than the mortgage) and technically, I am still employed in a place where I do not need a license to practice.
• I have a wonderfully supportive family (including my father who is an elementary school guidance counselor and as such, is used to helping kids deal with feelings of failure and disappointment)
  
• Steadfast friends who were surprised that someone as smart as I am (their words) could fail this test (there MUST be something wrong with the test, they say).
  
• The best boyfriend in the whole world who assures me he still loves me even though I failed the bar (and makes sure that my wine or beer glass is always full).
  

In the meantime, I will try to figure out a plan for the next 5-6 months. Surely that will be plenty of time to learn all I need to know about the law. I am also going to train for a half-marathon, with the hope of being successful at something. It has always been a goal of mine to run a marathon, so I figure that I can work towards accomplishing that goal while I work on this other goal of passing the Bar Exam. The tentative plan is to run the Myrtle Beach Half-Marathon on Valentine's Day, with abovementioned BF...2 weeks before Bar Exam: Take 2.

Off to find those stories of famous people who have failed the Bar Exam....