Balancing One Point

I have started studying again and am often asked how my studies are going. Depending on the day, my answer will vary. Sometimes I feel confident, especially when I find that I still remember the characteristics of a join tenancy or the rules regarding piercing the corporate veil. Other times, I feel overwhelmed, like when I realize that I've hardly made process on typing up my corporations outline.

One point is my hurdle, but I have to be certain to study just as hard as I did the last time. I admit that this second time around is much harder to get (and stay) motivated for. The material still looks familiar. I am still getting about 60-70% of my MBE multis right. I can still recite the elements for strict liability.

I am finding that I can run 3-5 miles easily on the treadmill when I have my BarBri outline with me. So, though I am not really progressing on typing up new outlines, I am reading the ones I used this summer and reading the big BarBri book. I have some "Law in a Flash" cards that a friend graciously gave me and those have been helpful, if not for the sole reason that it is a new format.

In other news, I am up to about 6 miles that I can run at one time. My marathon junkie of a brother will take me out on Sunday for a long run (for me...it will be an "easy jog" for him). I am looking forward to seeing my progress on achieving that goal of mine in February.

The good thing about studying so much during the winter is that it is much easier to cozy up on the couch with some hot tea, a kitty on my lap, and a Barbri outline when it's dark and cold outside. But, in all honesty...I look forward to cozying up on my couch next winter with a memoir instead of a bar prep outline.

December is for Studying

Or so I tell myself.

Last week was wonderful. Family and food are among my favorite things in life and Thanksgiving combines those two things very well. Since I'm not in school anymore at night, I've been able to bake more than in years past. I made an eggnog quick bread with rum soaked raisins, a classic pumpkin pie, and an experimental apple pecan chess pie. My sig other's birthday was yesterday, but I decided to hold off on baking his gingerbread spice flan cake until later, considering we had already stuffed our faces plenty over the past week. I need to start taking pictures of these baked goods so that I can blog about them along with a gazillion others who already have food blogs.

One thing I enjoy about entertaining out-of-town guests is having an excuse to go out to nice places to eat. Since the guests (sig other's family) came from Philly, we decided that Southern food would be a nice bet and hence, ventured to Watt's Grocery. Everything we gnoshed on was delightful. If any of y'all have not been there, try to make time to do so. The menu is seasonal and changes often, so it's hard to get bored (though I do wish the deviled ham were on the menu year-round).

This December will be marred by Bar exam study for me. It's a good thing I don't like shopping. In fact, I almost detest shopping during the holiday season. On Black Friday, we went to a beer event/fundraiser at Triangle Brewing Company in Durham. There were 15 casks of NC beer, including my contrasting favorites---Duck Rabbit Coffee Porter and TBC's Habanero XPA. It was a wonderful event and a great way to support a few good causes all at once (cystic fybrosis, supporting local businesses, and supporting NC breweries).

So, now it's officially back to the study grind. The break was good while it lasted. I am going to do a little bit each night through the month of December. Starting off with Suretyships last week was not a good idea. So far, Corporations has been easier going and I know it will be tested. I actually did quite well on the Corporations essay in July, though I doubt piercing the corporate veil will be tested again in February. I'm speculating something about shareholders and mergers. Hmmm....

I haven't had any panic attacks yet about the bar exam. Mainly what I am struggling with is being patient (there are things I want to do now that have been put on hold until March) and staying motivated (sometimes hard to see how a bar license is a benefit when I see my licensed colleagues having difficulties landing gainful employment). I have to remind myself that good things do come to those who wait and that yes, being a licensed attorney will provide me with more opportunities than I have now.

Patience and motivation...can I get a pint of that, please?

Racing Against the Fear

If y'all haven't figured this out already, I like to make analogies.  When I'm running, I tend to analogize everything to running.  Tonight was no different.

Since the time change a few weeks ago, I've been trying to figure out how to get in a few runs during the week.  I am not a morning person.  When I intend to run in the morning, I inevitably choose to sleep another 30 minutes.  However, I don't have much of a problem getting motivated to exercise between 5-7 p.m.  The fact that it gets dark at 5:30 throws a monkey wrench in my best laid plans to exercise.  This week, I tried to run 3 miles on the treadmill and it was dreadful.  I love my gym, but the air there is not nearly as fresh and crisp as the air I breathe while running outside.  Tonight, I was planning on another run on the treadmill, but decided to run outside instead.

Why haven't I gone running outside in the evening since time change? Because I was afraid.  Afraid that something would happen to me and no one would know, afraid that I would fall and injure myself and no one would see me laying on the side of the road, etc...

Well, tonight I decided to face those fears.  I will have to face my fears of failure in February when I take the bar exam again.  I think one of the best things I can do to help face a fear is to prepare myself for any situation that could present itself.   

So, tonight, I put on my reflective gear, tucked my ID and my cell phone in my pocket, texted a friend to say I was heading out for a run, and put my big, vicious attack dogs (well, they're big at least) on their leashes.  I went out for a run in my (lighted) neighborhood at a time when I knew people would be getting home.  Somehow knowing that my address is on my dogs' tags and that "parents" and "neighbors" were programmed in my cell phone made me feel safer.

And so I ran.  It was a wonderful run.  I could have gone longer, but my security guards were tired.    I did not want to run longer without them.  I do think that a healthy sense of fear motivates us and keeps us safer.

Facing the fear of running at dusk will be like facing the fear of the bar exam in February.  All I can do is prepare myself to the best of my ability and run with it.  Once the adrenaline of running (and of the bar exam) kicks in, the sense of fear subsides and is overcome by a sense of vitality and accomplishment.  I won't let my fears beat me.

Now, if only I could take the bar exam with my pups at my side :)

The countdown ticker

Because I need to see it to believe it.

15 weeks, give or take

The past month has been fun...historic elections, historic sporting events, beer festivals, beach vacations....time is flying by. I realized that the bar exam, take 2 is right around the corner. So...

Last night, I bit the bullet and devised my plan of action for studying. I calculated that I have about 15 weeks of studying ahead of me. My approach to this bar exam will be quite different than my approach to the July exam. First of all, I have more time. Secondly, many of these concepts and rules will still be fresh in my mind, so I won't be learning them for the first time. Lastly, I have a better idea of what will work for me and what won't.

General plan: Start slowly until mid-December (tackle smaller NC topics, do about 50 MBE questions weekly, read outlines). From mid-December until week before Bar exam, tackle 1-2 bigger NC topics and 1 MBE topic. By then, I should be averaging about 100 multis a week, with a few essays thrown in there. The whole week before the exam will be dedicated to review.

If anyone is interested in my specific study plan, I've posted it online should you wish to 1) re-live your experience from this summer as a reminder of how lucky you are to *not* have to be doing this again; 2)compare your study schedule to it; or 3)offer suggestions as to what you found most helpful in your successful endeavor to pass the bar.

Like last time around, I will do my best to make time for myself and for my friends and for my significant other. I will enjoy a glass of wine or a beer in the evenings as I review flashcards. I will eat well and get enough exercise and enough sleep. This time, though...I will pass.

Perhaps the Biggest Failure of 2008....

Enough said.

And, finally, NC turned BLUE!!!!

I waited all day yesterday to hear the other bit of news that I was eagerly anticipating...that Obama had won North Carolina.  Unfortunately, provisional ballots kept many from calling North Carolina, though Obama had received more votes than his opponent on election day.  

The Obama campaign battled hard in North Carolina and I wanted this last victory.  Even if Obama had lost in North Carolina, it would have been a feat in itself that we had come so close.  Luckily, Obama was not relying on our electoral votes to win the election, so I felt some comfort in knowing that even if we lost North Carolina, we *did* win the United States.

And then today, two days after the election, the AP called it....

President-elect Obama is the apparent winner in North Carolina, a symbolic triumph in a state that hadn't voted for a Democrat in more than a generation.

North Carolina turned blue.  Carolina, Blue!  Today was a beautiful day for such inspiring news.  I have voted in every election I have been eligible to do so, so my experience at the poll was not much different than what I've experienced in the past.  However, I have never felt so proud to be a North Carolinian and an American as I do today.

President-Elect Obama

Change we can believe in! Barack Obama is the next President of the United States!

I am humbled to have been an active participant in this monumental time in our country's (and our state's) history.  I spent the day at a Durham precinct as a poll observer.  Though the other poll workers and other election officials did not disclose to me their political leanings, it was quite apparent that we were all hoping that Obama would win.

Over the course of the day, I had to restrain my tears and giggles.  I will never forget the grandmother who kept telling her granddaughter (who was too young to vote) to "just mark the Democrat."  The young lady named the candidates for a few races and granny insisted that she "just mark the Democrat."  She said to the young lady that her first vote was for a Democrat and her last vote would be for a Democrat.  I nearly erupted in partisan laughter when I heard granny say (likely out of frustration that her granddaughter kept asking her to mark on the ballot), "Girl, I've done told you...just mark the Democrat.  I don't care if it's a kitty cat, if it's Democrat, you mark it."  Now, I don't advocate voting for someone purely because of one's political party, but I do think it's a good guideline for novice voters.

I was also impressed by the sheer numbers of people who voted for the first time in their lives (and especially the ones who asked for help at the precinct because they had never "done this before").

When my precinct closed, I called in my numbers and turned on the radio to listen to the news for the first time all day.  I could not wait to see the results come in.  When the results did start trickling in, I found myself getting more and more excited, yet I had to remind myself that it was still too early to tell for sure.

On the way to a friend's house, we heard Elizabeth Dole's concession speech and felt relieved that NC had booted the incumbent Senator who had little connection to our beloved Tarheel state.  More results from North Carolina came in (we elected Bev Perdue as the first female governor) and it was becoming more likely that North Carolina would vote for a Democratic president for the first time since Jimmy Carter in 1976.  It was also looking more likely that Barack Obama would be the next president of the United States.

And so the Northeast turned blue....and Pennsylvania turned blue and Virginia turned blue and at 11 p.m. EST on November 4, 2008, the United States officially turned blue.  I can't even describe what I felt that moment except by saying that I still tear up when I think about the emotions running through my head and heart in the hours after we learned that we had elected the first African American to the highest executive office of this great country.

I fought back tears as he spoke and as I watched the celebrations going on across the world. I look forward to hearing him speak for the next eight years.  I wish him clarity of thought, a peaceful heart, and much safety, perseverance, and courage.

Game 5, Take 2

After 28 years, the Philadelphia Phillies win the 2008 World Series!

Game 5 was scheduled for Monday, October 27. It was a dream set-up for Phillies fans--a star pitcher on the mound, in Philly, with the team coming off of a blow-out win the night before. The game started off to the Phillies' advantage and Phillies fans became more believing of the reality: the Phillies were in Game 5 of the World Series with a chance at bringing home the coveted title.

And then it started raining. Phillies were ahead 2-1 going into the 6th inning when the Rays scored, tying the game. The decision was made to suspend the game until the weather cleared up. Had the Rays not scored, the game could have been called as a win for the Phillies, but everyone seems to agree that there is limited glory in winning the World Series because Mother Nature happened to be on your side when you were ahead.

So, Game 5 resumed on Wednesday, October 29. It was an exciting game all the way to the end, when the Phillies struck out a Rays batter in the top of the 9th to clinch the victory and the World Series. I always love watching the celebration after a championship win, but I admit that this was one of the most heartfelt victories I've seen.

It took them 2 games to accomplish what they could have accomplished in one game. When all is said and done and time passes, people will begin to forget the weather-induced spectacle that forced Game 5 to be played on 2 different days. However, Phillies fans will never forget that they won the World Series.

I will remember this World Series as I begin to study for the bar...again. In the end, when I PASS the bar in February, others may forget over time that I did not finish the game and bring home the victory on the first occasion. My game has merely been suspended until February. When I pass in February, the sweetness of that victory will overshadow the fact that I had to play the championship game on 2 different days. Like many Phillies fans, I might even shed a few happy tears.

Flat Blueberry Muffins: Another consequence of law school

Yesterday morning, I was excited to bake blueberry muffins with a very highly rated recipe, using blueberries that my mother had picked (mom has this blueberry-picking fetish of sorts, which is nice, because we all end up with pounds of organic, North Carolina grown blueberries).

I followed the recipe to a "T" and awaited the promised glory of fresh, streusel topping muffins to accompany my coffee and Sunday paper.  When they were done, I admit I was disappointed.  That didn't stop me from eating 3 of the flat muffins.

I wondered why the muffins didn't turn out well.  I called up a culinary-minded friend of mine who promptly asked about my baking soda. I replied that I didn't use baking soda, just baking powder. Hmm...

Looked at the baking powder... "Best if used before July 2003"

Obviously I didn't do much baking in those 4 years I went to law school at night while I worked full-time during the day.  I tossed the can and bought a new can of powder at my trusty convenience store.

The second batch of muffins came out gloriously.  Sometimes the second time around is sweeter and better anyway...

Closer to 346 than to 13.1

I missed passing the bar by 1 point.  I scored 345.  I needed 346.  I have until February to improve by 1 point (or, hopefully, more...some insurance would be nice).  Training for that will start in November.  I will post my study schedule once I figure it out myself.

Now, as for the other February goal...

Right now, I can do a 4 mile run once a week.  My other 2-3 runs are about 3 miles. I need to get to 13.  The thought of running 13 miles is still overwhelming.  By the end of November, I need to be able to run 6 miles comfortably.  I really believe that my big obstacle right now is getting over the mental finish-line. When I'm running on a familiar course and I near the end, I fizzle out.  I just can't. run. another. minute.  I know that it's mental, yet don't know how to get over it except for just making myself go a little bit longer each time.

So, come February, I will know what sitting for a bar exam feels like.  I hope to know what running 13 miles feels like.  Either way, I will do both and be successful.

I danced and I danced

I danced so hard that my feet muscles hurt.  I will have to make sure to do some extra toe-stretching yoga this evening. 

Actually, my run this afternoon felt good for my feet---for the rest of me, not so much.  After another weekend of good drinking and eating, getting back on track on Mondays is often a challenge.

Shakori Hills was a wonderful time.  The last time I camped there was back in my college days at UNC.  This camping experience was much more "grown-up": marinated beef and asian slaw instead of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, good craft beer and red wine instead of Milwaukee Beast and Boone's Farm, sleeping in your tent instead of sleeping wherever you passed out...

But, not surprisingly, I can still party like I did when I was 21, as did my friends.  I wonder what all of the high school kids thought about us old folk there dancing next to them at 2 a.m!

One thing I enjoy about Shakori Hills music fests is the multi-generational diversity.  There are people of all ages in attendance.  My guess is that some older folk were there chaperoning their teenage children.  It almost reminded me of Mexico where parties are attended by all generations and where grandparents stay up drinking and dancing until sunrise. There were plenty of children dancing on stages and in the fields.  I truly hope they continue to dance with such confidence....they won't look any sillier than we did dancing salsa!  

There is good energy at Shakori, for the most part.  Apparently, the Durham-born Carolina Chocolate Drops (one of my favs at the fest) played some music powered by a biofuel generator when electricity went out for a bit (hmm...I don't remember that.)  It feels like community when you run into coworkers, former classmates, and old friends...I love this area and festivals like Shakori remind me of why.

I finally drifted asleep around 3:30-4 a.m. and arose to our tent neighbors packing up.  I'm a light sleeper, so I couldn't fall back asleep (unlike my tent-mate who apparently slept pretty soundly in those wee hours).  I went for coffee and enjoyed the feeling of morning...people were doing yoga in the lifting fog, vendors were setting up shop for another shot of making money, and families and friends were enjoying conversations that seem to be only inspired by coffee and wine.

Anyone who goes to yoga classes probably has heard the instructor say "so when you leave here, take this feeling of peace and awareness with you" or something like that. So, when I do my yoga tonight and stretch my toes out, I will remember how good it felt to be dancing without abandon with my sweetie and with friends and in a space full of positive energy where there was no measure of success or failure, just smiles and laughter.

Capitalizing on Mistakes

Two weekends ago, I went to the Durham World Beer Festival. I had the opportunity to taste lots of different brews from all over this great country. Some of my favorites were Founders Breakfast Stout (already mentioned here before....can you tell it's a favorite?), Moon River Honey Bock, Foothills Sexual Chocolate (yes, that's what it's really called), Kuhnhenn Braggot Mead, and Bud Light Lime (not really...just seeing if you're paying attention, although I've read this is Cindy McCain's favorite beer right now).

I am still a novice beer taster (expert beer-drinker) so I can barely say much more about a beer other than "yum, tastes like coffee" or "yuck, tastes like cat urine." I do like learning about the ingredients that a brewery has used to create a particular brew, as well as any special inspiration for the beer or its namesake.

One beer I tried recently has an interesting background which seems relevant to my current life theme of failing at something, yet somehow finding the silver lining or otherwise making lemonade (lots of failure related sayings out there). Lagunitas Brewing Company's Brown Shugga turned a potentially failed batch of beer into a pretty tasty brew. From the label:

"An aborted batch of their Old Gnarleywine ended up tasting nearly as good as that they were hoping for, so they bottled it. God bless capitalism."

What they had planned didn't turn out as planned. But, instead of crying over spilled milk (or failed barleywine), they figured it wasn't so bad after all and bottled it up (and are making more $$ off of it than they would have if they had ditched the batch of bad beer).

What I had planned on didn't quite turn out the way I had expected. I'm trying to make lemonade (preferably with cane sugar and a fresh mint leaf). But, if I get thirsty enough and there's no more lemonade left, I'll gladly take a Brown Shugga beer and feel proud that I am supporting Lagunitas' attempt to make lemonade out of a less than perfect batch of beer.

Tactile and Left-Brained

Makes me sound like a dinosaur.

A friend came over last night and brought a book titled How to Learn Anything Quickly. She has been trying to decipher her own style and suggested I do the same since we are both in the enviable position of having to study AGAIN for the Bar exam.

After going through a few quizzes, turns out I'm a tactile, left-brained learner. The left-brain part didn't surprise me much considering that I've always been good at things with words (spelling, writing, foreign language, etc.) However, I didn't realize that I was a tactile learner, although in retrospect, it does make sense.

I take horrible notes (ask my 2 study buddy classmates). See, I don't take notes to read them later---I take them so that I can remember things. That's why I had to go to class in order to learn (law school anyway, not high school or college). If I borrowed someone else's notes, I realized that I didn't learn the material as well.

While studying for the bar, in the last 2 weeks before the exam, I made colored posters of the North Carolina topics and plastered them all over the walls. What was on my posters, I remember. What I didn't write down (like contracts regarding wills), I didn't learn (and consequently received a "0" on that essay on the exam!)

As I slowly begin to get back to studying, I've been thinking about the best way to go about it. Since I *do* have 4 months to study this time around (instead of 2 months last time), I have some flexibility regarding a study schedule.

Things I will do like last time:

• Make posters of main topics (though I already have posters made, it's the making of the posters that helps me, not the mere reading them)
• Write rules on dry-erase board ad nauseum (write rule, erase, write rule, erase)
• Make post-it notes of rules to post around house

Things I will do differently:

• While listening to PMBR CDs (which I did in the car), I will take notes (did not do that last time)
• Find cases that deal with a certain topic of the law (in law school, I loved reading cases that dealt with tough topics for me to handle---putting faces and facts to the rules helped me remember and conceptualize the laws in action).
• NOT sit through another BarBri videotaped lecture and fill out outlines (*not* my style of learning since I only seem to remember what I wrote down and not the whole sentence--some outlines were better than others, but where there were only 2-3 blanks per page, my mind would wander)
• After doing a multiple choice question, write down the rule of law (in a notebook, on a dry-erase board, anywhere) instead of just reading the answer
• Not take off a whole month to study

I put my supplemental application in the mail yesterday. I should get my graded essays sometime next week. Time is going by quicker than I thought it would. Before long, I'll be back into the land of Torts, Contracts, Constitutional law (though, at the rate this administration is going, this will be a moot topic as there will be no constitutional rights that are still honored), and my favorite topic, Property (not really).

One thing about the NC Bar Exam is that you only get your scores if you fail. So, when I find out that I passed in March, I won't know my score. It would be interesting to know if these proposed changes in studying actually make a measurable difference.

I actually love reading about and learning the law. I just don't like studying for the Bar exam. They are not the same thing (as anyone who has taken a Bar exam knows).

Enough about studying...I promise an update shortly about the Durham Beer Fest last weekend. Last weekend was definitely one of those perfect weekends where I truly felt grateful to be on this Earth and in this space that I'm in now---having passed the Bar in July would not have made me any happier.

Post-season play

The Phillies are heading to the National League Championship Series!!!!  This will be their first time since 1993  Next up for the Phils: the Dodgers.

And, in other sports news from the weekend:  UNC beat previously #24 UConn!!  UNC made it into the AP Top #25 for the 1st time since 2001, coming in at #22.  I hope the winning trend continues and takes UNC to a post-season bowl game.

So, Phillies made it to the post-season.  UNC will likely make it to post-season play.  Perhaps I should consider the February bar exam as my post-season?  A championship of sorts.  Not sure I want a Gatorade shower in March when I find out that I passed...

Happy October!

October is my favorite month of the year. Things I particularly like about October:

• College football--Go HEELS!!!!!!!!!
• Pumpkin flavored everything (cream cheese, lattes, muffins, beer)
• Halloween (and Halloween candy)
• Pumpkin pie
• 70 degree days and 50 degree nights
• Leaves changing colors
• Outdoor festivals, especially Shakori Hills
• Pumpkin pie with homemade whipped cream
• Campfires
• Running at sunset
• Being able to leave the windows open all the time
• Fall colors
  
• Pumpkin pie

Yes, I put pumpkin pie in there more than once :)

Go Phillies!!!!!!!!

The first game of the playoffs is today. I grew up watching the Braves and became quite a fan when the Durham Bulls fed to them. However, for some strange, unknown reason, I've been converted into a Phillies fan. I'll still pull for the Braves if they are playing other teams but I have really enjoyed following the Phils this season.

I'm sure the Mets feel somewhat like I do about failing the bar exam by 1 point. The Mets choked AGAIN in the last game of the season, despite being in front heading into the last games of the season.

Excluding the 1981 split season, the Mets became the first team in major league history to hold 3 1/2-game division leads in consecutive Septembers and fail to make the postseason both times...

What went wrong for them? I'm sure they can't get that loss out of their heads and will analyze it over and over again. It was also the last game at Shea Stadium and the Mets disappointed their fans. They blew it....not once, but twice.

I will not be the Mets. I may have blown it this time, but I will not blow it again in February. To that same note, here's hoping the Phillies don't get swept (again) like they did last year for the NL Championship.

Go Phillies!!!

Gone Fishing

While every one else was getting their newly minted law licenses in the mail, I got a fishing license. This past weekend, I put it to use. This was not my first fishing trip with my favorite surffisher, but it was the first trip where I fished with him, instead of sitting in the truck reading the UCC (my law buddies cringe at the thought of the UCC, but for those non-law folks out there, the Uniform Commercial Code gives us the rules for dealings in goods).

Ocracoke, NC is a quaint village on the Outer Banks, accessible only by ferry. The weather was gorgeous, although I had to be vigilant about sunscreen (as always). I am one of those who burns in a few minutes unless slathered in at least a 30 SPF. It was so nice to be at the coast with nothing to do except for fish and drink beer.

So, what did I learn (about fishing)? I learned how to cast out on various rods, how to "set the hook," how to reel a fish in without losing it(the fish, not my mind), and how to put live bait (sea mullet) on the hook. Over the course of 4 days, I caught 2 puppy drum that were too small to keep, a spot that was used for bait, a sea mullet that we ate for dinner on Monday evening, and something else that I can't remember right now.

What else did I learn (about life)? Patience is crucial. With fishing, sometimes you just have to wait and wait and wait....and be OK with that. If you always try to "set the hook" or reel your line in everytime you feel something, you'll probably get tired pretty quickly and you might miss out on catching something. It's hard to just be still and wait, especially if you feel like you might be missing out on something. But, in the end, it really is best to be patient and be still. At least for a few minutes.

I was also reminded of my insignificance on this earth in the grand scheme of things. It was new moon so it was very dark out on the beach. Stars and planets were visible in the night sky and crabs were abundant on the beach. We are all ultimately merely a speck on this great planet. The 6 months in between Bar exams is really an insignificant amount of time in my life. I need to be still and patient and let February come to me....no need to wish that it be here any sooner.

Speaking of February...this is the week I can get my graded essays. I am particularly anxious to see essay #10. I know I wrote *something* about wills, but I still got a "0" on the essay (which we were told never happens unless you don't write anything or don't identify the area of law). Obviously, I should not have even wasted my time on it and perhaps should have spent more time on another essay.

One point. I'm still amazed at the difference one point is making in my life right now. I would likely be wrapping things up at my current job and getting ready to really go out there on my own. But, considering that now is not the best time in history to get a business loan nor any other type of credit, having an extra 6 months to save is possibly a blessing in disguise. Clients will probably be pinched to pay attorneys, especially in family law (what I want to do) where people usually don't put away money just in case their spouse cheats on them or leaves them with the kids. Between paying for food and paying an attorney, I think I'd be last on a list of bills to be paid. I'd be up for bartering law services for gasoline, coffee, beer, and nachos, so at least I'd wouldn't go hungry....especially now that I know how to fish.

I just have to be patient and still and wait for the fish to bite my line.

Great Losses by One Point

I am a big sports fan.  I love UNC.  I grew up watching sports (the Braves, Giants, and Syracuse were always on the TV or radio while I was growing up).  I always wondered how it must feel to be the one who misses the game-winning free throw or drops the winning hail Mary pass in the endzone at the last second of the game.

Somebody has to win and somebody has to lose.

Here are some memorable one point/last inning/last second losses:

1957: UNC beats Kansas by 1 point in 3 overtimes to win the NCAA championship.

1993:  Toronto Blue Jays beat the Philadelphia Phillies on a 3 run homer in the bottom of the ninth to win the World Series in Game 6

1997: Florida Marlins beats the Cleveland Indians by one run in the 11th inning to win the World Series in the 7th game

2005:  UNC loses to Dook 71-70 (but later beat Dook 75-73 and then went on to win the NCAA Championship.)

2008:  New York Giants beat undefeated New England Patriots on a pass with 35 seconds left on the clock to win the Super Bowl  (This game was particularly fun to watch in the heart of Patriot country---I kept my mouth shut as a Giants fan.)

Surely there are more (feel free to share your favorites)...

I am not the only one to lose by one point.  Next time, I'll do a better job of scouting my opponent and hope that my half-court shots are nothing-but-net and that I catch those hail-mary passes and that my 9th inning home run comes with bases loaded.

Better yet:  It will be a blow out.  Sorta like UNC's game last year against N.C. State.  That would be nice.

Under 21

I feel like I'm 20 again---everyone else is going out to party while I sit home and wait for the day that I am legal, too.  The good thing about that is that I eventually turned 21 and was able to join my friends as they pounded cheap Jell-O shots and sipped from Blue Cups at He's Not. Once I was there with them, I realized I had not really missed much at all.  I bet joining the bar in the spring will feel the same way.  Right now I'm hearing about what goes on at the bar, but soon I will be hung-over with the rest of them.  One difference, though: I can't "fake" sitting at this bar while hoping no one will ask me for my license.  Even trying to fake it at this bar will mean giving up my barstool forever.

Speaking of drinking (and trying to live up to my promise of talk about good food and drink), on Wednesday night, I joined a bunch of other Triangle-area beer nerds in welcoming Stone Brewing to NC.  I tried an 11th Anniversary (actually, 2) and an Oaked Arrogant Bastard.  The evening of libations at Tyler's was followed by dinner and dessert at The Federal.  I chose the bread pudding for dinner while my favorite dining companion enjoyed a big (yet very reasonably priced) plateful of rabbit.

At least I'm admitted to those bars.  And, in April, I'll be let in to the NC Bar.  I hope there's some good beer waiting for me.

One Point

That's all I failed it by.  One point.

I don't know what else to say about that right now, so I'm going to go to the gym, have a drink with a newly sworn in friend.  Just one more point on an essay.  One more multiple choice question answered correctly.

Just one more point and things would be different.  Wow.

Failing: How is that defined?

I saw this blog and it made me laugh (which, after today's events, was sorely needed):

Pictures of Failing Moments

Some of my favorites...

See, failure is defined in many ways. Somehow, oddly enough, I don't see pictures of anyone who did not pass the bar. We are not failures.

Jogging with Clichés

I admit: I am not a true runner...yet. While my dad and brother can go on and on about the "runner's high," I am not so convinced...yet. Don't get me wrong--I enjoy running while playing soccer, sprinting while playing tennis, and going on long hikes. But, *just* jogging (which is really what I am doing) is truly a mind over matter experience for me. Currently, I run about 2-3 miles, 2-3 times a week (depending on a lot of things like the weather, what I had for dinner, what time I get home, etc.) When I run with others or when I don't know how long a route is, I can go for longer which makes me know that I have a mental block when it comes to running on my neighborhood. I have a few loops that I run and once I get close to home, I lose steam although I could go another loop to increase my mileage. I only say all of this to let you know why running a half-marathon in February really is a tough goal. I am barely able to run 3 miles, much less 13!

Running is meditative for me. I rarely listen to music while I run, preferring to let my thoughts be the only noise between my ears. It seems that with every foot-strike of the pavement, another thought either enters my mind or becomes more clarified. Lately, as more things have been on my mind, I've truly come to appreciate that my father needed to go run to clear his head at the end of the day. Some people are morning runners. I am not and I wonder if I inherited that from Dad. I just cannot get myself out there in the a.m. to run...I much prefer the evening where you can smell dinners being prepared in the neighborhood or check out what beer or wine the neighbors prefer based on what's in the recycling bin. Actually, when I was younger, when dad was mad at us, he would go out for a run to calm down and to think about our consequences. We could always tell how much trouble we were in by the length of his run.

While I'm running, I often analogize running to whatever is the predominant concern of my life: runningis like studying for the bar exam, running is like failing the bar exam, running is like....

Some of the thoughts I had Tuesday evening while running in the rain (my favorite running condition):

• Running is like preparing for the bar exam:  everyone goes at their own pace and has their own style, but essentially we all have the same goal (finishing).
• Running is like studying for the bar and a lot like life: sometimes you've got to slow down, walk, and breathe deeply.  Running when you need to rest causes more harm than good.
• Running is like failing the bar: if you aren't able to meet your goal one day, you put your running shoes on the next day and try again.
• Running (and yoga) is like failing the bar exam: ultimately, you are your only judge and your harshest critic.
• Running is like life: sometimes the pace is steady, sometimes you run "in the zone," sometimes it takes all you've got to finish, sometimes you notice the flowers along the way, sometimes you don't.
• Training for a race is like preparing for the bar exam: you train and train and you hope that on race day, you'll be at your peak.
• Running in the rain reminded me that while being splashed with muddy water in a pain in the neck and a dirty inconvenience, most people do not intend to splash me, harm me, or otherwise annoy me.  For some reason, they are either not paying attention or are so concerned about their own issues to realize that I am running nearby.  I just keep running. 

Enough clichés for you?  Somehow there is comfort in those clichés at times.  I guess that's why clichés are so classic: when there's nothing more elaborate to say, sometimes the simplest saying or thought conveys the message the best. 

Running strengthens my mind and my body.  I'd like to think that preparing for the bar exam strengthens my mind, at the least.  However, I am beginning to think that what I am learning from this experience goes far beyond the original intent and scope of what I thought I would learn from it (torts, wills, property, contracts, etc.).  I am learning valuable lessons in humility, pride, self-respect, gratitude, and perhaps most importantly, just "being" in the moment and being at peace with what is.

It is what it is and this too shall pass.

Wednesdays

Wednesdays are my favorite day of the week, with Sunday morning coming in a close second place. Today was a nice Wednesday...work first and then a perfect "me" evening: a slow jog in the rain, yoga class, nachos with guac for dinner, reading the Indy over a glass of a favorite wine.

It has now been over 10 days since I got *that* letter. Today, I was able to request my score. I was almost beginning to forget about it as life is returning to some sense of normalcy. I'm enjoying this.

Threes

They say bad things happen in threes, right?  

A few weeks ago, my grandmother died.  Then I learned that I failed the bar exam.  And today, I learned that the victim of a domestic violence related homicide was an employee at one of the restaurants I work at. I saw her just a few weeks ago.

In the big scheme of things, not passing the bar exam is not the worst that can happen to me.  I am grateful for what I do have in my life: health, love, and happiness...and a safe place to call "home."

My training plan

I'm not even sure I'm a beginner since I only run 2 nights a week or so. I figure I'll start this up in October once it's a bit cooler in the afternoons. I like the idea of resting on M,W,F. I have yoga class on Wednesday nights but that often conflicts with pint night at Tyler's. Sometimes down dog wins over a summer ale and sometimes I feel that enjoying a great stout over nice conversation is just what I need.

Here's the running plan. I'll gradually build up to 10 miles over the course of 7-8 weeks. If anyone has any recommendations for nice 5-10 mile routes in the Triangle, please let me know.

Ahhh....the weekend

Considering I spent most of last weekend crying or waiting on the mail, I very much needed a weekend of relaxation. In my blog subtitle, I mention that I am going to talk about good food and drink but have yet to do so. So here goes:

Friday night included a misty, earlier- than- scheduled Chuck Berry performance. We only saw him play for a few umbrella-obscured minutes. After that, we decided to check out the sparkling new Raleigh Convention Center which was hosting the International Festival along with the Raleigh Wide Open celebration. A visit through an International Festival would not be complete without having something to eat, so we enjoyed a baklava sundae (ice cream topped with crumbled baklava and honey syrup). The "fried doe" at one of the stands was tempting, but I decided not to test whether they really meant "fried doe" or if they intended to say "fried dough" instead.

So, no Friday night in downtown Raleigh is complete without stopping by Raleigh Times or the Flying Saucer for a drink. One of the things I enjoy about the fall and winter is the return of my favorite seasonal beers: stouts, porters, and Octoberfest-y brews. At the Saucer, I could not pass up the opportunity to have a Founders Breakfast Stout. This beer combines 3 of my favorite tastes: coffee, chocolate, and beer. I really could have this for breakfast every morning (except that it would make getting to work a bit more challenging). If I recall correctly, I actually had 2 of them on Friday night, but who's counting?

Saturday's adventures included a stop at Tyler's new bottle shop, where a metal sign dropped out of nowhere and fell onto me. Thanks to law school, all I could think of was torts---was that a known hazard? I suffered no damages though, or at least none that I can think of now.

Obviously frightened (ah-ha, I was harmed!) by the falling sign, I needed another drink so we headed to Southern Rail in Carrboro where I had a yummy rum and ginger soda cocktail to pair with the delightfully mole-tasting Oaxacan torte that was one of the special desserts for the evening. I had not been to Southern Rail yet and I am glad to see something successful in that location after many years of changed concepts. It had a cozy environment with different "settings"---an ample patio area in the front and in the back, a few nice bar areas, romantic-looking tables on the inside. It would be an ideal place for a big get-together....especially in the fall when it's not so hot and muggy out.

Sunday, I got my butt kicked at tennis and had almost forgotten that just a week ago I was on the verge of tears on an hourly basis. I'll get better at tennis and I'll get better at writing Bar exam essays. It's just all a matter of time, practice, dedication, and most importantly, patience.

Fail the NC Bar Exam=Become a Politician

Maybe that's my destiny? I've always been drawn to politics and would like to run for public office one day. Somehow it seems a lot of the well-known bar repeaters are politicians. I wonder if that's mainly because all of their dirty laundry is aired during a campaign and apparently, failing the bar exam is dirty laundry.

I did not know that former governor of NC, Jim Hunt, failed the NC bar exam on his first attempt.

After failing the bar exam, Hunt moved with his wife and daughter to Nepal, where he worked as an economic adviser for the Ford Foundation for two years.

In 1966, he passed the bar exam on his second try and joined a law practice in Wilson.

Ooh, moving to Nepal...I had not thought about that before. I wonder if he brought flashcards with him.

Roll Call

Today is the day that the results will be posted online for everyone and their grandmother to see (assuming granny gets online or is even around). However, it should be noted that there will be some names missing from that list other than those of us lucky enough to have not passed. Some people may have passed the bar exam but had not taken (or passed) the MPRE (ethics exam) before sitting for the bar exam. Also, some people may still be pending a character and fitness interview for whatever reason (drugs, prostitution, shoplifting, kicking a cat in middle school). So, I am preparing myself for a few emails and/or calls from some folks when they don't see my name on that list.

Yep, I passed the MPRE in November. Yep, I passed all of my character and fitness stuff (which reminds me---will I have to keep amending my application until March? Grr.) But, no, I did not pass the bar exam. Shucks.

I went to UNC-Chapel Hill for undergrad. I am a huge UNC basketball fan. Failing the bar exam is possibly like UNC losing to Kansas in the Final Four last year. They had the best team, the best player, had practiced a lot....yet still got beaten. But, everyone came back for this season and now we all think there is no possible reason we won't win the NCAA Championship....of course, unless we get beaten again. I make this analogy to comfort myself and maybe comfort others who felt that they would win against the Bar Exam, but who, unfortunately, lost.

For those who say or think I may not have done enough....in my mind, I did. I did Invest in Success (a program at my school geared towards bar prep), BarBri classes, PMBR, over 2000 multiple choice questions (maybe even more---I lost count after awhile), at least 3 full-length timed practice MBEs, a poster for every NC subject, notecards, post-it notes, listened to PMBR CDs...you name it, I tried it.

And I still lost.

But, hey.......there's always next year.

Are those crickets I hear?

I just changed the settings on here so that you can leave comments without registering, so feel free to do so. I am even choosing not to moderate them, so anything goes (well, so long as you aren't stealing your one-liners from the RNC speeches last night).

Goals and More Goals

Reminds me of Univision's coverage of a soccer game: "Gooooooooooooooooollllllllll!!!!!!!!!!"

Confession: It's really hard for me to not plan and set goals.

I never truly realized that until now. Over the past week, as I ramble on to friends, my boss, and my significant other about my "plan" for the next 5-6 months, they have all told me to stop trying to plan things right now. I've been told to take some time off of studying, to take a break....but I am already getting antsy.

Last night, I did pick up a book to read and had a hard time putting it down. I've got stacks of books that I have accumulated over the past four years--my love of reading was only temporarily tempered by a lack of time to do so (thanks to 4 years of law school, at night, while working full-time). I am excited about using the fall and winter to make a dent on my Amazon wish list.

Other non-studying-for-the-bar-exam goals I have for the next few months:

1. Train for half-marathon: this will start in earnest once my marathoner brother gives me my training schedule. I imagine I'll be running 3-4 evenings a week, at least.
2. Read a book for pleasure every 2 weeks (or so).
3. Plant perennials and bulbs in front yard planters (going to class at night meant that weekend projects that were not finished were put off until later and "later" never really came back around).
   
4. Volunteer more often (especially with political campaigns of those I support).
5. Seal kitchen tiles and fix up baseboards. Yeah....long overdue.
   
6. Catch a fish.
   

Those are reasonable, right? Perhaps by focusing on the other enjoyable things in my life, the importance of the bar exam will fade somewhat. Yes, passing it IS important, but I have no doubt I can have a joy-filled life without it (for now). And truth be told, I don't doubt that WHEN I pass the bar in February and WHEN I start my legal career, I will look back on these days where I had the time to read for fun, work in the yard, and to go fishing and wonder why I wanted them to go by more quickly.

Coming out of the Closet

So failing the bar has been likened to cancer (see previous post) and it seems that announcing you've not passed is like being gay and coming out of the closet. Rumor has it that my school had an 81% pass rate, which means that there are more that did not pass than the 5 others I know about. I urge the others to "come out" and find safety and solace in knowing that you are not the only one. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

Why did I decide to "come out"? Simple: there was nothing to be ashamed of. At first I was afraid of judgment, but a dear friend of mine reminded me that judgment is a form of violence. The kinda crunchy new-age hippie in me (or, as a con law professor called me "a tree-hugging granola bleeding-heart liberal") agrees. Therefore, though my first instinct was to not tell anyone other than my closest friends, I soon decided to out myself. I wanted to own it---not be ashamed of the fact that I DID NOT PASS THE BAR EXAM (but I will in February).

I worried about telling my classmates, but then figured that if they judged me for failing, that was their problem, not mine. If they think I'm less intelligent, less hard-working, less successful, then so be it. But, ultimately, I knew that my classmates and colleagues are a wonderful bunch of people and I gave them the benefit of the doubt that they would not judge me. I'm glad I did. I have received so many thoughtful emails and messages from friends and classmates. Yes, I was in tears most of the time when I read those words, but those words helped me confirm what I know is true: I am not stupid, I am not a failure, I will pass.

To think I would have deprived myself of that support for fear of being judged.....

Jobs and Treats

This morning, I didn't cry. That, my friends, is a small step forward. I felt somewhat optimistic, in fact. I felt a bit of relief knowing that I had a job to go to---that my life is not defined by a law license. For those who don't already know this, I am a translator/interpreter/recruiter/trainer for a large quick service (ok, fast food) franchise here in NC. So, despite not being deemed "minimally competent" for a law license, I am a certified Master Biscuit Maker. Not only can I whip up some top-notch biscuits, I can do so in less than 3 1/2 minutes. Surely that makes me more than "minimally competent." Right?

There are those who just passed the bar and who are, unfortunately, unemployed. If I did not have my job, not passing the bar would have been more of a setback, especially if loan repayments were due. For those who did not pass the bar, yet who are in that situation, I am very sorry. Another reason not passing the bar sucks. Big time.

Since I was planning on going out on my own, I had seriously curtailed spending in the past few months in order to save up. Now that I know I will have an income through the fall and winter, I allowed myself to a few treats: houseplants (over the past year, all the ones I had before died due to lack of care), new hiking boots, and a few new knives (for cooking....and for slashing bar review material in March).

Each day is easier than the day before it. Again, I tell myself that if this is the worst thing that could happen to me, life is pretty good.

The first thing I read after it sunk in

Assuming it truly has sunk in, of course....

After I weeded through the ads for bar review courses when I googled "fail bar exam", I came across this helpful blog: The Uncivil Litigator. There is some really good advice on there and I am somewhat comforted by the number of folks who have failed the bar exam. My favorite tidbit of consolation is this: "Failing the bar exam is simply a pain in the ass that will end relatively soon in the major scheme of things."

I have heard it likened to cancer---that even the healthiest, most active people get it, while the pack-a-day smokers live to 90. So, I decided to call up my friend who just beat cancer. Her response, "Well, sorta-except you can't DIE from failing the bar exam and you don't have to go through chemotherapy to get over it." Put that way, she's right. I am not going to die from failing the bar exam (unless, well, I drink myself into an unconcious stupor, get electrocuted from studying on my laptop in the tub, or get a horrible infection from index-card induced paper cuts). And, no, I don't have to go through chemo (and my friend is a champ to have gone through it and beat cancer, a true inspiration), but I just might have to spend weeks in detox to reverse the effects of the coffee, beer, wine and bad food ingested while studying for the bar (or waiting for results and the subsequent numbing/celebrating of said results). But, it is not chemo, and for that, I am grateful.

I admit I am frightened by the prospect of being one of those who takes it multiple times to no avail. But, the silver lining is that people do pass the bar eventually, be it after 2 tries, 5 tries, 13 tries, or 47 tries. The key is to not give up.

Here are others who have failed a bar exam:
Hilary Clinton (Failed DC exam, passed Arkansas)
Kathleen Sullivan (former dean of Stanford Law who had argues cases before the Supreme
Court)
John F. Kennedy, Jr. (fainlly passed on 3rd attempt, with special accomodations)


And others including Antonio Villaraigosa, Pat Robertson, Abraham Lincoln, Ed Koch and Greg Mathis (TV judges---hey, there's a career I haven't thought of---hmm, there's Divorce Court, People's Court, Judge Judy....how about Who's My Daddy? court or Deportation (*ahem* removal) Court?)

Work-The Walk of Shame

You know how you feel the morning after you've had too much to drink? You wonder if you've said inappropriate things, danced on the top of the bar, insulted your boss, flirted with the waiter a bit too much.....You go to work or see your friends and wonder why everyone is looking at you kinda funny. I feel that way right now. I feel everyone knows yet no one wants to ask about it. I guess the look on my face says it all (not to mention the bloodshot eyes that come from 3 nights of restless sleep, daily bouts of tears, and a few too many beers).

I guess the good thing is that I have a job that doesn't require a law license. I admit I am tad envious of those who get to start working at their new law jobs and use that newly minted license.

This week's focus for recovery: truly believing that this is not indicative of my knowledge, intellect, or ability to be an attorney.

Here's an interesting article I came across while searching "fail bar exam": "The Science of Passing the Bar Exam: Does First-Year Torts Really Matter?" I found this comment particularly comforting:

But the study does support a conclusion that most law students and lawyers already know: no matter what you took or how well you did in law school, the bar exam is an experience all its own.

It really is an experience all its own.

An Exclusive Club

We, the failers, are an exclusive group. Based on statistical reasoning alone, more people pass the bar than fail it. I find relief in those who say "No one passes the bar on the first time!" because, although it's not true, it reminds me that most people outside of the legal community have very little knowledge about what the Bar exam really is all about. It is a mammoth exam and I'm not sure what passing it really means about one's ability to be a zealous advocate. I have found comfort in the words of many of my classmates who consoled me by admitting their fear...that any one of them could be sitting at the edge of the bar with me right now, with that "unsuccessful" letter in hand (mine is now wine-stained).

I do hope that I am one of a few from my alma mater to not pass on the first time. I sincerely hope our school has the highest pass rate ever. Based on what I'm seeing, it looks like most of my classmates have passed. CONGRATULATIONS to all of you!!!!!! I truly wish I could be a part of the celebration (and the passing rate), but I will be there in February, no doubt. I still feel a bit left out, but I'm sure that feeling will pass as the days go by.

The Morning After--Disappointment Hangover

Two days after I got my "unsuccessful" letter, I am told I am managing well. Mornings are the hardest so far, mainly because when I am awaken by dogs or my internal alarm clock, I can't fall back asleep because I am thinking about the fact that I did not pass the NC Bar exam.

"I regret to inform you that you were unsuccessful on the July 2008 North Carolina Bar Exam." Now, when I opened that letter, I knew that some people would not pass. I did not think I would be one of them. All I had heard for the past 2-3 months was "You'll be fine!" or "Don't worry, I'm sure you aced it!" Or, my personal favorite...."My brother is stupid as can be. If he can pass it, so can you." I know these were all well-intentioned comments, but the bar exam is really a crapshoot. I studied nearly 10 hours a day for the whole month of July. I took BarBri and PMBR. I did 30 multiple choice questions a day. I made notecards, posters, charts. I studied harder in that month than I have ever studied before. And I failed.

By how much? Who knows? In NC, you can only see your score if you fail and request to see the report. But, I have to wait 2 weeks in order to request that. So, as of today, I don't know whether it was the essays that did me in (I felt confident, but essays have never been my strong point) or the MBE (I ran out of time and guessed on a large handful).

The good things:

• I do not have debt from law school (nor any other debt other than the mortgage) and technically, I am still employed in a place where I do not need a license to practice.
• I have a wonderfully supportive family (including my father who is an elementary school guidance counselor and as such, is used to helping kids deal with feelings of failure and disappointment)
  
• Steadfast friends who were surprised that someone as smart as I am (their words) could fail this test (there MUST be something wrong with the test, they say).
  
• The best boyfriend in the whole world who assures me he still loves me even though I failed the bar (and makes sure that my wine or beer glass is always full).
  

In the meantime, I will try to figure out a plan for the next 5-6 months. Surely that will be plenty of time to learn all I need to know about the law. I am also going to train for a half-marathon, with the hope of being successful at something. It has always been a goal of mine to run a marathon, so I figure that I can work towards accomplishing that goal while I work on this other goal of passing the Bar Exam. The tentative plan is to run the Myrtle Beach Half-Marathon on Valentine's Day, with abovementioned BF...2 weeks before Bar Exam: Take 2.

Off to find those stories of famous people who have failed the Bar Exam....