Done

Done.  5 months after I got the "unsuccessful" letter, I am done with Bar Exam, Take 2.

After today, I feel almost the same as I did the last time, which I think is a good thing, considering I only missed it by a point.  I paced myself better, but still did not have enough time.  I always wonder how people finish 30 minutes early.

This time, I felt like I was able to eliminate wrong answers much quicker, yet I wasn't always happy with the answer I was left with.  MBE practice reminds us to select the "best" answer, though it might not always be right.

After today, I don't want to hear anything about landlords and tenants, nor anything to do with deeds.  I don't care who recorded first.  I don't care if the municipal library was adversely possessed or not.  

We need to average about 6 points per essay and about 65% right on the MBE in order to pass in NC.  That means that getting 70-80 questions out of 200 wrong is "normal."  Knowing that doesn't make the dreadful feeling of failing go away. The solace is knowing that people do pass this and many feel equally as ambushed as I do right now.

I am tired.  Drinking wine and listening to Howard Stern.  I put away my bar prep materials because I am just tired right now and really don't want to see these green books ever, ever, ever, again.

What's done is done and now the challenge is knowing that there is nothing I can do now to change my results.  I passed, or I didn't.  The thing about failing is that you lose that innocence/ignorance of knowing what failing feels like.  I wonder if that makes it easier...if I don't pass, I know I'll survive.  I'm just really ready to get this under my belt.

Blurbs as an Essay

The Evidence question regarded exclusion of witnesses.  Evidence is one of my best subjects and I blew this question.  But, to my defense, I'm betting everyone else did too.  The applicable law needed to answer it is 3 lines in the big BarBri book and 3 lines in the NC distinctions section.  Rule 615.  Ask me anything about hearsay and I've got you covered.  But, exclusion of witnesses in a civil trial (which is very different than a criminal trial)...all wrong.  It almost seems unfair to premise at least 6 of my precious evidence points on a rule that occupies 1/100th of the entire subject matter of evidence to be covered on the exam.

All I can hope is that Rule 615 comes up tomorrow on the MBE so that I can recover a point, out of the 6 I lost today. Sigh....

The rule (maybe I got a few points since I said the party witness should not have been excluded):
Rule 615. Exclusion of witnesses.
At the request of a party the court may order witnesses excluded so that they cannot hear the testimony of other witnesses, and it may make the order of its own motion. This rule does not authorize exclusion of (1) a party who is a natural person, or (2) an officer or employee of a party that is not a natural person designated as its representative by its attorney, or (3) a person whose presence is shown by a party to be essential to the presentation of his cause, or (4) a person whose presence is determined by the court to be in the interest of justice. (1983, c. 701, s. 1.)

Fizzling out

Today's goal was to look at Civil Procedure, Family Law, Mortgages, Contracts/Sales, PR, and then review.  So far, done with Civ Pro and Family Law.  But, it's 3 p.m. and I am just running out of steam.  Realistically, I know I can finish up with those other topics before dinnertime and then enjoy a beer with my flashcards.

I'm just tired of looking at these BarBri outlines.  Tired of writing.  Tired of reading.  Tired of having my cat bite my hand while I type.  Tired of chewing on all of my pens. Tired of index cards.  Just plain tired.

Just a few more hours....

A trust is....

Those were my first thoughts this morning upon awakening.  My last thoughts before bedtime involved involuntary dismissals and being taxed for the costs of the action.  In a week from today, I will be finishing up lunch before embarking on the last session of the bar exam.

I've gone through essays and written out rules.  I've done multis.  Yet, sometimes I still feel like I can't possibly remember all of this for the bar exam....and then I wake up thinking about the definition of a trust, and I realize I know what it is.  And, just like that came out of nowhere this morning, it will similarly make itself available for regurgitation on Tuesday.

Last night, I was reading some posts on a forum for people taking the bar and was surprised to see how many had unsupportive significant others.  I am definitely lucky in that regard.  Now, if he would just take the test for me, I'd be a happy woman.  I know I'm not alone when I speak for other bar exam takers---the support of family and partners means more than they'll ever know---

Today's plan:

Massage--already done (didn't realize how much tension I've been storing in my body)

Lunch-already done (need to be reminded to eat)

Finish Yellow BarBri book.

Write out important rules for my weaker subjects (Secured Transactions, Mortgages, Sales).

60 PMBR multis.

Tomorrow:

February and July 2007, and February and July 2008 bar exams

Review 2005, 2006 exams that I did yesterday

60 PMBR multis

Friday:

100 Question Timed 2006 MBE (new questions)

Write rules for weak topics.

Saturday:

100 Question Timed BarBri or PMBR set

Review weak topics/concepts

Dinner with SigO

Sunday:

1 hour each major NC topic (review outline, write out rules)

Monday:

Long workout at gym

Long walk with dogs

Dinner with SigO

Long Bath

Glass of Wine

Yoga

Tuesday:

Are you ready to rumble?????

(As a writer, I'll be in the Dorton Arena, home of the Carolina Rollergirls--I think I'll try to adopt a Rollergirl attitude as I knock those questions out of play.)

OK, back to studying....

Brick Walls and Breaks

9 days until the big day and I am just.not.motivated. Maybe it's the prospect of a whole week to memorize NC law ad nauseam and write essays and look at old exams?  Maybe it's the fact that I've now been studying for the bar Exam for about 5 months (adding in my July study time) and I'm just sick of the UCC, the FRE, the NCRCP, the UPA., the MPC, et.al.?  In fact, the only acronyms I am interested in these days are ACC and WTF. 

My dear friend (who passed the bar in July) says that this week before the exam should be best utilized to "manage anxiety."  Somehow I feel like I should study 12 hours a day for the next week, but I just don't think that's a realistic goal.  Last time, with a week to go before the exam, I was still looking at NC topics for the first time since the BarBri lecture (that I hardly paid attention to due to my inability to sit still and watch anything on a screen).  I was still learning about priority in consumer goods, fixtures, defamation, etc.  This time, I've already done that, so the feeling that I need to cram is just not present this time.  I'd like to think that's a good thing.  Still, the prospect of writing an essay for real is still scary, but motivating.  I know I will know as much as I can know come next Sunday and honestly, that's all I can do.  At this point in the game, studying an extra 2-3 hours a day is useless if it causes me more anxiety and stress.

In good news, I'm scoring about 70% on MBE multis and I've improved my timing.  I will still do 30 multis a day until Saturday, when I will do a 100 question set (timed).  I will do all of the essays in the BarBri yellow book and I will write out complete answers for the past 3 years of old NC exams.  I will outline the essays for another 3 years of essays.

I will also get a massage on Wednesday and I will go out to run a few afternoons this week.  I will also make sure to get enough sleep so that I don't get sick before the exam.  I am managing my anxiety.

I did go for a study break beer on Friday night.  I also enjoyed a nice dinner out with the wonderful sig other who is certainly tired of hearing me talk about this test.  He (very politely) suggested that I try to take a break from it for a few hours last night, which I interpreted as him telling me he needed a break from hearing about it.  Nonetheless, it was nice to talk about all the fun things that are coming up after the exam.  Breaks are good.  Relaxing is good. But...

9 days???!!!!   WTF?

You Know You're in the Bar Exam Study Zone when...

• Cleaning the house brings you an odd sense of comfort...or stress (sweeping the floor seems so easy and I see results immediately)

• You get flustered at even the slightest challenge in the real world because you just need to know that you can be right about something (after studying a topic all day and then only get 50% of multis right, and that's "normal")

• You eat the same thing for dinner most meals because you've already figured out how to prepare it and because it provides some nourishment (nachos are healthy, right?)

• You'd rather go grocery shopping than do another essay about archaic doctrines and rules about Shelley, Wild, Pullman, and M'Naghten

• And when you *do* go grocery shopping or out to eat, you wonder if the boss has negligently hired or retained the cashiers who are possibly embezzling (or just stealing) the money that you're giving them for that can of Diet Coke that might explode and harm you and the sweet old lady next to you who might have a heart attack and die and as you go to help her, you slip on a wet spot on the floor caused by a leaky roof that the manager knew about when he entered into the lease to rent the building....

• You desperately want to spend time with your significant other and know that it would be a good thing to relax for at least a few minutes, but you also know that it's easy to get distracted when you're not studying...and, if you think going through this hell is bad once...try going through it twice. ;)

• You repeat to others your study schedule not because they care, but because it soothes your nerves.

• You feed your pets scrambled eggs because you can't seem to remember to buy food for them.

• You find yourself enjoying things you don't usually enjoy, like watching reality shows.  Or, you start doing new things that you don't really have time for, but provide some respite from statute memorization.

• You miss being with your friends and family, but you also know they understand.  You call them up on purpose just to hear "You'll do fine!" even though you get a little perturbed when other people tell you that.

• You are constantly amazed at how much crap can fit into your brain and likewise, constantly amazed at how quickly you forget 99% of that.

So, 14 more days. Two weeks.  I finished up Property today, leaving only Contracts to finish by Wednesday.  I will take a break to watch the UNC/Dook game and I will also allow myself to not worry about getting much done during the game.  And, I am taking Valentine's evening off from studies.  One thing a friend reminded me is that during this time, us bar-takers become self absorbed.  She didn't say that directly, but it's true...it's another way you know you're in the "zone"...it's all about me right now, which means I'm not being the best friend, the best daughter, nor the best partner.  I have learned during this process of re-taking not to take those important people for granted.  So, if it means listening to my friend talk about her work issues, or listen to my sig other talk about beer and politics, or listen to my mom talk about her family challenges, I do it with pleasure and without regret that I maybe should have been studying instead of chatting.  But, in the end, I need those conversations as much as they do...to remind me of what is important...love and friendship definitely trump the Rule in Shelley's Case.

70 Degrees and Beginning to Sweat

It's going to be another 70 degree day today and I beginning to sweat.  I am hoping to do some studying in my backyard, in the sun, while my dogs take naps in the grass and dream of squirrels.  I, on the other hand, will see if I can finally understand those rules of law that I haven't been able to get (recording statutes,  third party beneficiaries, privilege and immunity clause of 14th Amendment, etc.).

Property will be done today, as well as about 20 multis in Torts, Crim Law, Evidence, and Con Law. Tomorrow I will start Contracts (my last MBE topic!!!!) Come Wednesday evening, I will be in all review mode.

16 days until the Big Day.  I will be writing the exam in the Dorton Arena, which is alternatively used for roller derby games and concerts for the State Fair.  I am already trying to figure out what I will wear that day because somehow I am guessing that the temperature controls will be wacky.

I am getting a bit more nervous, but also a bit more confident.  I still have 16 days.  I only have 16 days left.  

 

La Copa Vida

Just wanted to add a shout out to my new campground for the next 17 days--Copa Vida Coffee in Durham.  I'm probably an odd coffeeshop customer during bar exam time--I want good coffee, loud enough background music to drown out conversations that I would otherwise be tempted to listen in on, good coffee, good lighting, and...no internet.  Big coffee chain that shall not be named, but rhymes with Daddy Warbucks, usually has no free wireless, but, their coffee is...well, it's not from locally roasted beans, can be bitter, and comes in a coffee cup that has become a new status symbol.   

Why don't I like it when there's internet?  If I don't have it, then I'm not tempted by it.  Pretty simple.

Now, before I have people correcting me about Copa Vida's wireless access, I will note that they actually do have wireless.  It's just password protected.  So, when very friendly barista asked if I wanted the code, I declined, knowing that I could get it at any time, should I need to.

Lo and behold....guess what happened?  I finished Mortgages in 3 hours flat.  

Durhamites, please go support this cafe.  In doing so, you support a local business in 2 ways, since they use Counter Culture coffee.

Needless to say, I've found my non-alcoholic watering hole.

Got my Ticket

It's official.  I'm taking the NC Bar Exam in 18 days.  I admit that, until I received the admission ticket in the mail, I secretly hoped that one of the letters from the Bar Association would say that they had made a mistake in grading my exam, and that, indeed, I did pass.  It's a good thing I've been studying because I don't see that happening.

It's another Friday night that I will spend with my books.  For "fun," I will go to a coffee place and study.  The wonderful beau is having fun this weekend and I will be having fun with....property.

I'm back to drinking Emergen-C every day just to keep the sickies at bay.  

Today was my last full week of work until after the bar. 

18 days.  

Torts, done!

Topics left: Property, Contracts, Secured Transactions, Civil Procedure.

Reminiscing on July, I remember that I was still making posters of outlines a few days before the exam.  By typing up the BarBri outlines and adding NC distinctions and my own mnemonics, I am essentially doing the same thing I did in July (making posters).  However, this time around, I will have a full 2 weeks to review, review, review, review.  Last time, I was looking at some topics for the first time (other than the 3 hours from Barbri class where I had a very hard time sitting still to watch a videotaped lecture) just days before the exam.  Add my July study to this study and I am finally feeling quite comfortable with most topics.  Once I do memorization drills and essay practice, I'm sure I will feel even better.

I will pass the bar.

Frustration of Purpose and Confusion of the Issues

Two legal phrases that best describe my mental state right now.

Last night, after scoring 78% on an Evidence practice set, I decided to go to bed. I was late anyway, but I did finish Evidence. For some reason, I decided to take my July 2008 Bar Exam essays to bed with me. Bad idea.

My undergrad degree is Education, so I learned how to test students and also how to give feedback. I was reminded last night that the bar examiners who write (and grade) those exams are lawyers, not teachers. For one, having essays with no writing on them to indicate where I did get points left me wondering where I really went wrong, especially when my essay covers the same things as a "model" essay. Was it my knowledge of the law that didn't come through as coherently? Did I not say the magic phrase? Second, knowing my score on an essay is almost useless if you don't know the overall range of scores---if average was a 5, then my 3 wasn't so bad after all.

I was also reminded of the range of my scores and that reminded me that different people write each question and grade it. So, it's obvious that the person who graded my Wills essay gave no points for about 10 things I mentioned that were also mentioned in the model essay. I could have written a letter to Santa on that essay and received as many points as I did actually writing about the issue (that would be 0 points). Yes, I got 0 points on an essay. It is a myth that if you identify the issue and write some basic, applicable rules, you'll get at least a point. Not true.

One point is all I have to recover, but I am aiming to recover a lot more. As for coverage, I am now down to Torts, Contracts, and Property (and their respective NC topics). I'm also down to 23 days until showtime. From today on out, it's at least 6 hours of studying a day until I take off time from work. At that point, it will be 8-10 hours a day. But, I will only be reviewing, which will be different than last time. Right now, I am feeling confident about the MBE, but not so confident about the essays. But, that is kinda where I expected to be at this point in the game---I wanted to get the MBE topics under my belt so that I could focus on memorizing NC law and writing essays in the home stretch.

I will pass the bar. I will pass the bar. I will pass the bar.

I hate studying

Have I said that already? I really do not like it. I've never been much of a studier anyway. In high school, I was one of those who got good grades despite minimal effort. In college, I got by, though I definitely partied more than I studied. In my last year of college, I did see that my grades were better if I studied. Go figure. Law school wasn't too much different, but I justified my lack of studying with the fact that I was working full time. I studied enough to get a good enough grade.

Studying for the bar exam the first time around wasn't so bad, mainly because all of my classmates were in the same stressed out boat I was. And, I knew that I only had to know enough to pass. It was only a test of minimal competency. Well, obviously I either didn't learn enough to *just* pass it or I'm not minimally competent.

This time, honestly, has been pure hell so far. One thing that is different is that I don't have that same support group that I had last time. The other thing is that more people are telling me what I should do differently to pass. While I know their intent is good, I have to bite my tongue so as to not remind them that, in actuality, there may have only been 1 point separating us, so their way likely isn't going to be the magical salve to my success this time around. I am tweaking some things and doing some things differently (writing out answers to multis, reading outlines out loud, etc.)

I have completed Con Law and Crim Law/Criminal Procedure. I will tackle Evidence this weekend. As for NC subjects, I'm down to Civ Pro and the remaining MBE topics (Torts, Contracts, Property). I am only a day behind on my schedule, which will still leave me 3-4 days to "review" and write essays ad nauseum.

I hate studying. Hate it. Have I said that already?

Con Law Done!

The good thing about Constitutional Law is that there's not really a NC-specific set of laws that are different than the majority.  So, in other words, if Con Law comes up on the NC essays (which it usually does), then most of the knowledge about Con Law needed for MBE will be sufficient to, at least, get by on the NC essay.  That's different that some of the other MBE topics because there are substantial variations in NC law that conflict with (or distinguish us from) the majority.

So, topic tally:  Con Law, Agency/Partnerships, Corporations, Wills, Trusts, Liens and Suretyships, Professional Responsibility, Family Law.  Not bad, at least not for the second time around.

While I was studying tonight, I was thinking about how much different the study of law probably is from other disciplines.  The laws are always changing.  Sometimes, no sooner the ink has dried on a new textbook, the SCOTUS hears a case and rules in such a way that invalidates half of the case law you've just read.  I can't imagine the study of science would involve such variance in principles and basic fundamentals.  I mean, a plant is a plant, right?  I doubt one day you're learning about chlorophyll and then you get a news bulletin announcing that the highest ranking biologists have now decided that plants don't have chlorophyll. Studying for the bar exam and for any law school exam means knowing the current law, in addition to the common law, minority law, and the majority (which may or may not be the law in your state).  And just when you think you've got that all figured out, you wake up and read the news to see that SCOTUS has ruled a bit unexpectedly, like they did the other day in Oregon v. Ice.  At least I can feel sigh of relief that that new twist on the law will not be on the bar exam in 5 weeks.

5 weeks?  Seriously???  Where's my wine?

Monday Morning Progress Report

I had another nice weekend, but I fear it might have been the last one of that intensity until after the Bar exam. It's not so much the partying and drinking that is harmful, but rather the general malaise that results the next day. But, to my defense, it is important to relax when possible while studying for the Bar exam. I had to take advantage of the some of the last winter seasonals (beer) before the spring seasonals start rolling in. I also enjoyed celebrating a 40th birthday with a friend. The bar exam IS important, but learning how to balance other important things in life is one of the lessons learned during crunch-time.

So....I finished up Wills and Professional Responsibility. I've also gotten about about 25% of Con Law done. This week, I'll tackle some smaller NC topics, like Mortgages, Trusts, and Agency. I will also finish Con Law.

Another thing I will do this week is work on getting to bed a bit earlier and doing about 15 minutes more of cardio while at the gym (that helps me go to sleep). While I can generally get away with 6 hours of sleep each night, by the time the weekend rolls around, all I want to do is sleep in. Unfortunately, that gives me a late start on a prime day for studying.

Lastly, I will try to stake out a good place to study in the evenings. I'm not sure if it will be a coffee place or a library or a combination of both, but I will have to get out of my house at least a few nights a week if I want to get anything done.

6 full weeks left....where did the time go??!?!

Balancing One Point

I have started studying again and am often asked how my studies are going. Depending on the day, my answer will vary. Sometimes I feel confident, especially when I find that I still remember the characteristics of a join tenancy or the rules regarding piercing the corporate veil. Other times, I feel overwhelmed, like when I realize that I've hardly made process on typing up my corporations outline.

One point is my hurdle, but I have to be certain to study just as hard as I did the last time. I admit that this second time around is much harder to get (and stay) motivated for. The material still looks familiar. I am still getting about 60-70% of my MBE multis right. I can still recite the elements for strict liability.

I am finding that I can run 3-5 miles easily on the treadmill when I have my BarBri outline with me. So, though I am not really progressing on typing up new outlines, I am reading the ones I used this summer and reading the big BarBri book. I have some "Law in a Flash" cards that a friend graciously gave me and those have been helpful, if not for the sole reason that it is a new format.

In other news, I am up to about 6 miles that I can run at one time. My marathon junkie of a brother will take me out on Sunday for a long run (for me...it will be an "easy jog" for him). I am looking forward to seeing my progress on achieving that goal of mine in February.

The good thing about studying so much during the winter is that it is much easier to cozy up on the couch with some hot tea, a kitty on my lap, and a Barbri outline when it's dark and cold outside. But, in all honesty...I look forward to cozying up on my couch next winter with a memoir instead of a bar prep outline.

Racing Against the Fear

If y'all haven't figured this out already, I like to make analogies.  When I'm running, I tend to analogize everything to running.  Tonight was no different.

Since the time change a few weeks ago, I've been trying to figure out how to get in a few runs during the week.  I am not a morning person.  When I intend to run in the morning, I inevitably choose to sleep another 30 minutes.  However, I don't have much of a problem getting motivated to exercise between 5-7 p.m.  The fact that it gets dark at 5:30 throws a monkey wrench in my best laid plans to exercise.  This week, I tried to run 3 miles on the treadmill and it was dreadful.  I love my gym, but the air there is not nearly as fresh and crisp as the air I breathe while running outside.  Tonight, I was planning on another run on the treadmill, but decided to run outside instead.

Why haven't I gone running outside in the evening since time change? Because I was afraid.  Afraid that something would happen to me and no one would know, afraid that I would fall and injure myself and no one would see me laying on the side of the road, etc...

Well, tonight I decided to face those fears.  I will have to face my fears of failure in February when I take the bar exam again.  I think one of the best things I can do to help face a fear is to prepare myself for any situation that could present itself.   

So, tonight, I put on my reflective gear, tucked my ID and my cell phone in my pocket, texted a friend to say I was heading out for a run, and put my big, vicious attack dogs (well, they're big at least) on their leashes.  I went out for a run in my (lighted) neighborhood at a time when I knew people would be getting home.  Somehow knowing that my address is on my dogs' tags and that "parents" and "neighbors" were programmed in my cell phone made me feel safer.

And so I ran.  It was a wonderful run.  I could have gone longer, but my security guards were tired.    I did not want to run longer without them.  I do think that a healthy sense of fear motivates us and keeps us safer.

Facing the fear of running at dusk will be like facing the fear of the bar exam in February.  All I can do is prepare myself to the best of my ability and run with it.  Once the adrenaline of running (and of the bar exam) kicks in, the sense of fear subsides and is overcome by a sense of vitality and accomplishment.  I won't let my fears beat me.

Now, if only I could take the bar exam with my pups at my side :)

Game 5, Take 2

After 28 years, the Philadelphia Phillies win the 2008 World Series!

Game 5 was scheduled for Monday, October 27. It was a dream set-up for Phillies fans--a star pitcher on the mound, in Philly, with the team coming off of a blow-out win the night before. The game started off to the Phillies' advantage and Phillies fans became more believing of the reality: the Phillies were in Game 5 of the World Series with a chance at bringing home the coveted title.

And then it started raining. Phillies were ahead 2-1 going into the 6th inning when the Rays scored, tying the game. The decision was made to suspend the game until the weather cleared up. Had the Rays not scored, the game could have been called as a win for the Phillies, but everyone seems to agree that there is limited glory in winning the World Series because Mother Nature happened to be on your side when you were ahead.

So, Game 5 resumed on Wednesday, October 29. It was an exciting game all the way to the end, when the Phillies struck out a Rays batter in the top of the 9th to clinch the victory and the World Series. I always love watching the celebration after a championship win, but I admit that this was one of the most heartfelt victories I've seen.

It took them 2 games to accomplish what they could have accomplished in one game. When all is said and done and time passes, people will begin to forget the weather-induced spectacle that forced Game 5 to be played on 2 different days. However, Phillies fans will never forget that they won the World Series.

I will remember this World Series as I begin to study for the bar...again. In the end, when I PASS the bar in February, others may forget over time that I did not finish the game and bring home the victory on the first occasion. My game has merely been suspended until February. When I pass in February, the sweetness of that victory will overshadow the fact that I had to play the championship game on 2 different days. Like many Phillies fans, I might even shed a few happy tears.

Tactile and Left-Brained

Makes me sound like a dinosaur.

A friend came over last night and brought a book titled How to Learn Anything Quickly. She has been trying to decipher her own style and suggested I do the same since we are both in the enviable position of having to study AGAIN for the Bar exam.

After going through a few quizzes, turns out I'm a tactile, left-brained learner. The left-brain part didn't surprise me much considering that I've always been good at things with words (spelling, writing, foreign language, etc.) However, I didn't realize that I was a tactile learner, although in retrospect, it does make sense.

I take horrible notes (ask my 2 study buddy classmates). See, I don't take notes to read them later---I take them so that I can remember things. That's why I had to go to class in order to learn (law school anyway, not high school or college). If I borrowed someone else's notes, I realized that I didn't learn the material as well.

While studying for the bar, in the last 2 weeks before the exam, I made colored posters of the North Carolina topics and plastered them all over the walls. What was on my posters, I remember. What I didn't write down (like contracts regarding wills), I didn't learn (and consequently received a "0" on that essay on the exam!)

As I slowly begin to get back to studying, I've been thinking about the best way to go about it. Since I *do* have 4 months to study this time around (instead of 2 months last time), I have some flexibility regarding a study schedule.

Things I will do like last time:

• Make posters of main topics (though I already have posters made, it's the making of the posters that helps me, not the mere reading them)
• Write rules on dry-erase board ad nauseum (write rule, erase, write rule, erase)
• Make post-it notes of rules to post around house

Things I will do differently:

• While listening to PMBR CDs (which I did in the car), I will take notes (did not do that last time)
• Find cases that deal with a certain topic of the law (in law school, I loved reading cases that dealt with tough topics for me to handle---putting faces and facts to the rules helped me remember and conceptualize the laws in action).
• NOT sit through another BarBri videotaped lecture and fill out outlines (*not* my style of learning since I only seem to remember what I wrote down and not the whole sentence--some outlines were better than others, but where there were only 2-3 blanks per page, my mind would wander)
• After doing a multiple choice question, write down the rule of law (in a notebook, on a dry-erase board, anywhere) instead of just reading the answer
• Not take off a whole month to study

I put my supplemental application in the mail yesterday. I should get my graded essays sometime next week. Time is going by quicker than I thought it would. Before long, I'll be back into the land of Torts, Contracts, Constitutional law (though, at the rate this administration is going, this will be a moot topic as there will be no constitutional rights that are still honored), and my favorite topic, Property (not really).

One thing about the NC Bar Exam is that you only get your scores if you fail. So, when I find out that I passed in March, I won't know my score. It would be interesting to know if these proposed changes in studying actually make a measurable difference.

I actually love reading about and learning the law. I just don't like studying for the Bar exam. They are not the same thing (as anyone who has taken a Bar exam knows).

Enough about studying...I promise an update shortly about the Durham Beer Fest last weekend. Last weekend was definitely one of those perfect weekends where I truly felt grateful to be on this Earth and in this space that I'm in now---having passed the Bar in July would not have made me any happier.

Coming out of the Closet

So failing the bar has been likened to cancer (see previous post) and it seems that announcing you've not passed is like being gay and coming out of the closet. Rumor has it that my school had an 81% pass rate, which means that there are more that did not pass than the 5 others I know about. I urge the others to "come out" and find safety and solace in knowing that you are not the only one. It is nothing to be ashamed of.

Why did I decide to "come out"? Simple: there was nothing to be ashamed of. At first I was afraid of judgment, but a dear friend of mine reminded me that judgment is a form of violence. The kinda crunchy new-age hippie in me (or, as a con law professor called me "a tree-hugging granola bleeding-heart liberal") agrees. Therefore, though my first instinct was to not tell anyone other than my closest friends, I soon decided to out myself. I wanted to own it---not be ashamed of the fact that I DID NOT PASS THE BAR EXAM (but I will in February).

I worried about telling my classmates, but then figured that if they judged me for failing, that was their problem, not mine. If they think I'm less intelligent, less hard-working, less successful, then so be it. But, ultimately, I knew that my classmates and colleagues are a wonderful bunch of people and I gave them the benefit of the doubt that they would not judge me. I'm glad I did. I have received so many thoughtful emails and messages from friends and classmates. Yes, I was in tears most of the time when I read those words, but those words helped me confirm what I know is true: I am not stupid, I am not a failure, I will pass.

To think I would have deprived myself of that support for fear of being judged.....

Work-The Walk of Shame

You know how you feel the morning after you've had too much to drink? You wonder if you've said inappropriate things, danced on the top of the bar, insulted your boss, flirted with the waiter a bit too much.....You go to work or see your friends and wonder why everyone is looking at you kinda funny. I feel that way right now. I feel everyone knows yet no one wants to ask about it. I guess the look on my face says it all (not to mention the bloodshot eyes that come from 3 nights of restless sleep, daily bouts of tears, and a few too many beers).

I guess the good thing is that I have a job that doesn't require a law license. I admit I am tad envious of those who get to start working at their new law jobs and use that newly minted license.

This week's focus for recovery: truly believing that this is not indicative of my knowledge, intellect, or ability to be an attorney.

Here's an interesting article I came across while searching "fail bar exam": "The Science of Passing the Bar Exam: Does First-Year Torts Really Matter?" I found this comment particularly comforting:

But the study does support a conclusion that most law students and lawyers already know: no matter what you took or how well you did in law school, the bar exam is an experience all its own.

It really is an experience all its own.